30 June 2005

Stone the Crow

Sharon Stone used body doubles for raunchy scenes in Basic Instinct 2 because she fears she is a wrinkly old bag with knockers like a couple of golf-balls in leather socks.


Old crow seen better days

I wouldn't have worried if I were her. If Basic Instinct I was anything to go by nobody would be looking any higher than her snatch.

Brazilian Waxjob

Judging from the report in today's Mirror, nobody likes Bush anymore. In fact, I doubt whether even Bush likes bush. Ask Hilary Clinton.

Anyone else who is bush-averse should visit www.victoriassecrets.com or even better www.wickedweasel.com.

Both sites are full of great anti-Bush propaganda.


Grimace as Bush clocks a beaver

Gadams Starting to Believe

In a recent email received from high-flying Irish lawyer and gay icon Damo "the Gadams" Adams the legal know-it-all made a shocking admission:

"Aliens, schmaliens. Everybody knows they exist. More worrying is the possibility that I might be starting to believe in Tom Cruise!!!".

Just when I thought things could not get worse I now learn that I am also in agreement with the Cruise look-alike obsessed with wrestling Gadams.


Adams - loves a clinch

Bigfoot Raped Me!

Not really... but he may as well have done I'm that gutted.

On reading the article on Tom Cruise entitled "I believe in Aliens" I immediately thought to myself, "I do too".

Woe of woes: I actually have something in common with Tom Cruise!?!

I hope this does not mean that I will turn into a complete c**t too.


Bigfoot - potential rapist?

Eva Longoria Scared of Rapists

Apparently this young starlet is not so stupid as she looks. Eva Longoria fears rapists.


Eva, living in fear of
random buggery

Judge Pickles would no doubt have told her that if she wanted to stop blokes following her then she should get f*cking dressed when in public.

Russell's Muscles



Russell Crowe thinks he's well hard. After starring as a gladiator and a boxer he now wants to take brutality onto the next level -- reality.

Not only did he throw a phone at the hotel concierge, he also threw a ceramic vase; which, had it hit the hotel boy "could have killed him". He then bowed and displayed a karate stance - what a wanker. And the best part is, this little fiasco has been caught on video.

This video is now in the hands of the prosecution, his court hearing is on the 17th September.... 79 more days till Russell GOES DOWN.

29 June 2005

Getting their Olympic Rings out

Most athletes think they're all that just because they are faster / stronger / more flexible than the rest of us.

The following pictures will show you that they are really just people who like to wear skimpy uniforms because they are complete exhibitionists.

Whoops!


An accident waiting to happen



Looks uncomfortable



Why can't they just put their bits away and STOP SHOWING OFF?

Cruz in the ghetto

Penelope Cruz used to have a certain level of sophistication and class...



... until the likes of P Diddy got his hands on her for his "fashion" label.


Skanky, bling-bling wannabe booty whore

Oh well, at least she dumped Tom Cruise - the alien loving kiddy fiddler.

28 June 2005

Grant in Love Suck Muck Ruck... Again!

Hugh Grant is in trouble again for getting sucked-off.

The irony is this time it was Liz Hurley doing the sucking.

Liz was wondering why Jemima Khan, Grant's current girlfriend, could not see the funny side.

F*ck me, if Jemima gets pissed off because Grant's getting his thumb sucked, imagine what she's going to do when she finds out that Grant's chauffeur last Saturday was Divine "Why Are My Fingers" Brown.


Grant, likes getting sucked in public, no matter
where, no matter when, no matter whose watching...
preferably the world.

27 June 2005

Revenge of the Jack

Michael Jackson has vowed revenge on those who tried to jail him recently.

In a message relayed through his brother, Jermaine, Michael said that he was "very upset" that people had called him "names" and said that he put his "fingers" inside little boys.

Jackson allegedy said he was going "to kick [Public Prosecutor] DA Sneddon's butt".

Who does Jackson think that he is kidding? He cannot kick Sneddon's butt any more than the Dulux puppy can arse-rape Alex Montefiore, a polar-bear-like, big brute of a lad if ever I saw one.

If Jackson really wants make Sneddon afraid he should start hanging around outside Sneddon Jnr's kindergarten with a bottle of Absinthe and a six-pack of Special Brew.


Artist's impression of Dulux
puppy rape victim

Royal Doppelganger

Look at the woman in this photo thinking she is all that just because she looks like a tanned version of Camilla Parker-Bowles.

She should realise that having skin like a scruffy old leather handbag and a face like a set of spanners is a high price to pay for celebrity mimicry.















Wrinkly old bag.

26 June 2005

Madonna is delusional

Madonna has given her 8-year old daughter a credit card with a US$10,000 limit to "teach her the value of money".

More like "teach her the effects of drugs". This kid will be snorting cocaine through her eyeballs by the time she's 9 and shooting speedballs through veins in her temples by the time she's 11.

Why not just save some time and put her in intensive care now?

22 June 2005

Court after Killen spree

Shakespeare famously wrote, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Bollocks!

I'll tell you what's in the name of one homicidal racist... the truth! A jury in the US found former Klansman "Killen" guilty on three counts of murder on Tuesday.


Breathless Killen in caught

I hope the ugly, bald racist bastard suffocates to death whilst being buggered in jail then rots in hell for all eternity along with Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCraprio.

21 June 2005

Sin is dead

"Who da man?" God could be heard thundering from the heavens as he lauded it up after reading the shock headline in Catholic World News: "Cardinal Sin dead".

In what God assumed must have been a massive scoop for His Son, the Lord mistakenly believed that good had finally notched up a substantial victory over evil.

However, His pride soon turned to wrath when He realised that Jesus had not spent the night slaying the seven deadly sins but had spent a slothful evening greedily quaffing water-turned-wine down the local Taverna.

However, it was not all "trouble in paradise" as both God and Jesus could be heard laughing haughtily when they learnt that former employee, Satan, had suffered a full-blown rectal prolapse upon reading the very same headline.


Cardinal Sin sadly very dead

War of the Water

Tom Cruise has been the victim of a horrendous attack.

In a cruel and life-threatening prank a film crew squirted Tom Cruise with water. Four men were arrested for this act of deadly assault.

Tom was panic-stricken and stuttered to the thug in question "You're a jerk... jerk... you're a jerk".

I'm frankly horrified that they used water. Surely hydrochoric acid or liquid anthrax would've finished the job better?

Don't worry Tom, your aliens or your 11-year-old girlfriend will protect you from that evil H20.

Hit me baby one more time (I wish I could!)

Glamour UK reports "Britney Spears says her new single is all about having a child, but Britney says she wrote it two weeks before she discovered she was pregnant.

"I wrote this song at my piano, at my house. I wrote it two weeks before I found out that I was pregnant, so it was really kind of weird, because the song's about having a baby... It's kind of like a prophecy... Everyone in general should voice their wishes more, because I think the more you throw it out to the universe, if you're in the right space and place in your life, it's weird how the universe gives it back to you."

Someone should probably sit Britney down and explain where babies come from, cause, correct me if I'm wrong, it's not from the Universe after it heard your crappy song and decided you were ready.

"Prophecy" might not be the only way to predict that unprotected sex with an idiot hillbilly who is too drunk/stupid to pull out might lead to pregnancy.

It's also charming that someone who has been handed millions like Britney thinks the reason the rest of us aren't rich is because we don't "voice our wishes more."

Jesus Christ I hate these two. I gotta get me a bear. And teach it to maul anything in sky blue Fubu and backwards Yankees hats. And then release it in Malibu. Once chunks of Kevin showed up in the bears stool, animal control might be pretty upset, but then I'd explain it was Kevin Federline and we'd all have a pretty good laugh.

20 June 2005

Live fast... Die! Die!!!

When will Leonardo DiCaprio top himself and crown a glittering career to achieve Absolut stardom?

River Phoenix did it through drugs. Oliver Reeve did it through booze. Michael Hutchenson did it having a tug. Freddie Mercury did it with AIDS. Michael Jackson is doing it through surgery of the face and Tom Cruise is doing it through Scientology of the mind and generally being a complete twat.

Leo, like those before him, must cash in his chips in an inventive manner in order to achieve real celebrity status.

How will he go?

I'm personally holding out for a car-fire.


Leo must die

19 June 2005

Leonardo DiCaprio Attacked!



Whilst attending a party a woman threw a bottle at Leo DiCaprio's face rendering him even more repulsive.

I'm surprised this doesn't happen to him every time he leaves the house. He's lucky that he didn't get dismembered and nailed to a burning crucifix.

If I were Leo I'd immediately shoot myself in the face to avoid a daily lynching.

17 June 2005

Bush Masterstroke

Facing growing pressure to bring troops home from Iraq, President Bush is launching a public relations campaign to try to calm anxieties about the war (full report).

However, in the absence of any rational foreign or home policy Bush will resort to the oldest trick in the book to divert attention from the real issue - WAR.

Bush advisors are currently sourcing potential targets for "regime change" but it is likely that Iraq will be the next on the Bush menu.


Yes, Bush will silence critics by re-invading Iraq, launching a coup against the incumbent government and replacing it with a totalitarian dictator who will immediately be "regime changed" with a democratically elected leader who is generous with his oil.

Bush is a genius. Just like his dad, Regan and Clint Eastwood.

Accidental Cold Blooded Murder

Two friends went deer hunting.

Jimmy Lipham tripped and accidentally shot his friend David dead.

Jimmy got scared and accidently ran away.

Jimmy later returned and accidently tried to bury David.

David was too big for the grave so Jimmy accidently chopped him up for ease of burial.

Jimmy got caught and pleaded "It's was an accident"

I mean come on, give the guy a break this can happen to anyone.


INNOCENT

"I will not sleep with young boys anymore..."

...Jackson announced through his lawyer today.

No particular surprise there really given that he was facing 20 years in jail for doing precisely that.

It is rumoured that a further deterrent is the US$500,000 in legal fees and US4350,000 on private investigators that it costs to get off... literally.

Not to mention the fact that the press will be watching MJ like an attentive Cambodian parent watches their young progeny at a Gary Glitter concert.

14 June 2005

Footballers think they're above the law

No sooner had the acquittal of Michael Jackson been announced that Arsenal striker Rober Van Persie gets arrested on charges of raping and pillaging and washed up old drunk George Best gets nabbed on charges of child sex assault.


Ugly Best

This is the same day that Liverpool striker Steve Finan gets arrested for causing death by dangerous driving and former Croatian superstar Suker is questioned for murder.

Has the Jackson acquittal made famous footballers think that they are above the law?

It might be too early to tell but for the moment it is advisable not to approach anyone who is even remotely capable of playing "keepie uppie".

Beat it!

First there was OJ Simpson. Next there was Kobe Bryant. Most recently, there has been the beleaguered accused-kiddie-fiddler Wacko Jacko.

All these celebrities have one thing in common: they were able to afford expensive legal teams to help them beat "raps" brought against them.

There is, however, one significant difference between them.

It is not that OJ was accused of murder and the other two were alleged sex offenders.

Neither is it that Kobe was innocent and the other two guilty.

No, the difference here is that the first two are black and MJ is pale shade of greyish beige.


Jacko smirking

Who says minorities don't get equal treatment in the US justice system?

It is nice to see Michael with a smile on his face again rather than that pained "my face hurts all over" grimace that he has been wearing for the last four months.

Saddam acting like a spoilt brat

Saddam "the Butcher of Baghdad" Hussein looked relaxed and confident as a judge questioned him about the killings of dozens of Shia villagers (full report).

No doubt buoyed by the recent Michael "Houdini" Jackson acquittal Hussein appeared defiant, even pulling faces at the judge, apparently ignorant of the fact that he is in a maximum security jail about to be tried by a kangaroo court and then shot in the head by 12 frenzied mullahs and used as camel fodder.

Saddam should stop showing-off!

He should realise that everyone thinks that he looks like a scruffy, old tramp trying to get attention because someone stole "his" country and toppled "his" regime.


Tramp acting hard

He is acting as if he is the only person that this has ever happened to.

Saddam should take a leaf out of Tyson's book and quit while he is ahead.

Smoking and obesity ruin your health and make you age

I think this is the most obvious case of "no shit sherlock" that I have ever read.

Is there anyone out there who actually considers this news? -- Who's grossly obese and smokes 200 fags a day and is wondering why they're not running marathons and looking like a 16 year old?

If so, you're incredibly stupid and you should know it.

12 June 2005

Mike Tyson is a pussy

Convicted rapist, wife-beater and all round bully Mike Tyson got beaten up by an Irishman who reporters say was drunk on 11 pints of Guiness at the time of the fight.

And the tattooed freak didn't even lose with dignity. In true Tyson style he headbutted McBride in a pathetic attempt to end the fight.

Who's the hell is McBride anyway? He's a total random most renouned for pub fights in Kilkenny.

But he kicked the sh*t out of Tyson who must be feeling so crap at the moment he's probably raping McBride's mum up the arse with one of her ears clenched listlessly between his gritted, golden teeth.

11 June 2005

Collateral Damage... Again

Only in America could one think it almost normal that the police squad car responding to a hit-and-run distress call mows down the putative victim.

Note, the Americans killed more English in the Iraq war than the elite Republican Guard and the one million strong Iraqi regulars put together.

What is their angle?



Fcuk Yeah!

Jackson Broke... Maybe...

In three to four years time, provided everything in the world goes wrong for the up-on-charges weirdo, the average student in England may be better off than Michael Jackson.

Not only might MJ be in a prison, with someone other than himself grabbing his balls and making him spin around like a whirling dervish, but he may also be poorer than your average student-hooker doing media & fashion at Stoke Poly, sources surprisingly revealed today.

When asked earlier, somebody may have said, "Whacko's finances are shakier than a w@nking epileptic".

Jag

Old Fashioned Values

It is a sad day for the world when the only way to get/stay famous is to engage in criminal activity.

Two examples suffice.

First, I had not heard nor hide nor hair of Macaulay Culkin for ages until he pops up on my screen because he is up on charges of having half an oz of "medicine" on him.

Second, I had not even heard of Kim Jong Ill until the crazed curler-wearing madman claimed to have an atom bomb pointed at Seoul and sold drugs for profit.


Tyrant wears rollers and perms hair

I say we return to those good old-fashioned values where we chop the hands off thieves and stone birds for adultery.

09 June 2005

Bill Gates was a porn star

Okay, so maybe not an actual porn star but he certainly looks like he's attempting seduction in this picture.

Posted by Hello


Look at his scrawny, nerdy, little body uncomfortably slumped over his computer.

It's a wonder he got anywhere in life, let alone make $47 billion.

Russell Crowe is sorry for being a w*nker

Regarding throwing a phone at a hotel employee's face Russell Crowe has stated: "The bottom line is I did something pretty stupid. ... This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself (into) in my life."

Hmmm, is this really the most shameful situation? Considering Crowe is prone to get into trouble let's have a look as his track record:

  1. Hurling racial abuse at a Thai student in Sydney because he didn't like the beef pie he ordered. He told the female Thai student "You should know this is not your country." - classy
  2. When his poem was edited out of the 2002 BAFTA's he tracked down the producer and shoved him against a wall and called him a "F*cking piece of sh*t"
  3. Had a massive go at Robert DeNiro, George Cloony and Harrison Ford for endorsing products. He say's he'd rather starve than appear in an advertisement!
  4. And let's not forget that he was once an Al-Qaeda target, but even they didn't want him!



Now he could go down for 7 years if convicted.

I say lock him away and have a Thai hotel employee take pictures of him for a beef pie advertisement. He'll implode with rage.

Sean Penn - who gives a f*ck what you think?



"Oscar winner Sean Penn's latest movie has left him with such severe exhaustion, he's retiring from the movie industry for several years to recover. He explains, 'The first week back, you want to make up for all the time you spent away from the kids - mistake. You have to pretend you're still away except you're not, so you just sleep and they come to see you, otherwise you're ill. This one has been extremely rough. I'm pretty burnt out and I'm going to have a couple of years off at least now.'"

Sean Penn is the most hateable person on the planet, and it’s really not even close. You ever notice coal miners and fisherman never seem to get "exhaustion". They don't pull that crap because they know they’re buddies would just smack them in the head, call them lazy and tell them to get back to work. Sean Penn mumbles for a living. And he doesn't even make up the stuff he mumbles. Someone else does that for him.

Anyone who saw him at the Oscars knows what a joyless, spoiled prick he is. He's a NRA opponent who keeps loaded handguns in his car. He's an environmentalist who drives a 260hp muscle car. He's an anti war activist who spends three days on a guided tour in Iraq and then lectures America like he's an expert. I've spent more time than that at Magic Mountain, it doesn't make me a f*ckin engineer.

08 June 2005

Loose Lips Sink Blockbuster Movies

Angelina Jolie is a stupid rubber-lipped maniac, or so her legal advisors fear.

I am amazed that someone could be considered so stupid that others might fear that an instant of f*ckwittery on their part could ruin a US$100,000,000 box office grab.

Think again.

Jolie is so dense her lawyers insisted that reporters attending a news conference to promote her new film sign wide-ranging agreements providing that her comments would "not be used in a manner that is disparaging, demeaning or derogatory."


I know her lips are notoriously large but surely they cannot literally sink stuff. F*ck me bandy, I thought that was just an old wives' tale.


The Titanic before Angelina got her kissers around it.

Schapelle Corby Lawyer Negligence Charge



Schapelle Corby's lawyer missed one vital defence that could have seen the entire prosecution case against her crumble, namely “marijuana is not a drug and even if it is it is medicinal”.

If it works in California and Brixton there is no reason why it should not work in Bali.

If the prosecution had asked her why she had so much on her she could have simply said that she was "very ill" or even that she was "up on bricks" and had a really bad case of the "cramps". Either that or she had a dose of the "black rain" and needed a bifter to hide the stench.

Jag

Michael Jackson with no surgery

Check out what MJ would look like if he never went under the knife / had that weird skin pigmentation sh!t.

____Then (aged 13)________Now (aged 45)________Later (aged 70)____


He actually looks pretty normal.

But OH NOOOOOO, he goes out and spends enough money to buy a small country to turn himself into this:



Ok, so I know this is nothing new.... There's still no news on his verdict and thought that I'd just send out a small "HE'S A FREAK" message incase you've forgotten!

07 June 2005

Bush in Back-Door Diplomacy Fiasco



Reading between the lines a recent report reveals that the United States may be secretly planning to sodomise Kim Yong Ill, possibly with President Bush leading the push, if Pyongyang does not give up its nuclear weapons.

Further reading between the lines it appears that five other nations may join the fray in what would be the biggest international multi-lateral buggering of a head-of-state since Alexander the Great arrived in Babylon.

When asked a source stated that he/she did not think that anal intercourse with the North Korean tyrant would have the desired effect. The source revealed, "he [Kim Yong] loves polishing that rocket and Mr. Bush attempting to foist himself upon him will only make him grab onto it tighter."

Jag

Crowe havin' a go

Russel Crowe has been having a massive go at a hotel employee.

He was trying to use the phone, couldn't get through, so promptly threw the phone at the employee's face.

WTF? you mean everytime he can't get through on the phone he throws it at someone?

This guy needs to chill out. What would happen if his phone battery ran out? He'd shove it up his arse?



(Crowe was arrested for 2nd degree assault and possessing a weapon. Good, who does he think he is? Only Tom Cruise can get away with stuff like that. But Tom would find a way to involve aliens and children)

GI BUSH

Kids, your life is nearly complete. Just buy the new George W. Bush doll which specialises in
  • Blowing up things
  • Blowing up things
  • Blowing up things

And to top it off, this doll talks! Here's what he says:

"The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?"

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."

"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."

So buy it in shops today, or you'll get blown up.

06 June 2005

No Sh!t Sherlock

A recent CNN headline read "Jackson under stress, aide says".

In circumstances where a fragile-minded, paranoid, infantile wimp faces charges of (a) "grooming" (b) drugging kids in order to rape them; and worst of all (c) homosexual child rape I would have thought that this reporter is stating the rather obvious.

In fact I would go so far as to say that he/she should win an award for the understatement of the year.

I wonder if this is the same reporter who said that Hitler was "not a very nice person"?

Jag

Saddam Prosecution Hit by Scud

Saddam Hussein, the tyrannical “Butcher of Baghdad”, may be freed on a legal technicality Iraqi legal experts have advised.

Mr Hussein is currently up on charges relating to:

- the 1990 invasion of Kuwait;
- genocide;
- mass murder;
- assassinating political opponents;
- his beard.

However, it is a peculiarity of Iraqi law that arrested persons must be formally charged within 30 days of their initial arrest and savage beating.

Unfortunately, Mr. Bush, and the rest of the world, appear have overlooked this point as Hussein has not been formally charged almost a year after his capture.

A Kurdish dissident when questioned on this possibility said that he would be "completely gutted" were Saddam to escape justice such a manner and went on to say that Bush and Blair were probably bear the blame "especially that Bush".

Jag

Brooke Shields hates Tom Cruise

Brooke Shields has been having a massive go at Tom Cruise on two accounts.

1. Tom dating a baby
Referring to Katie Holmes she has mentioned "If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one adult, one child."

2. Tom's crazy religion
Referring to Tom practicing Scientology she says that she wouldn't take advice from someone who "devotes his life to aliens".

What's her problem? If Tom wants to date little girls and worship extra-terrestrial life why can't he?

In fact, if Tom wants to date aliens and worship little boys why can't he?

He's Tom Cruise for god's sake, he can do what he wants.

Paris Hilton can't make up her mind

So Paris and Paris are getting married. They are both blonde, stupid and ridiculously loaded...

So loaded that Paris bought Paris two engagement rings because she couldn't decide which she liked best.

One is worth US$2.1 million and one is US$4.2 million.

Considering you can sponsor a child for medical care, dental care and education for $18 a month, for the amount they have spent on their engagement rings alone, they could sponsor 1,000 kids for 30 years!

US Not the Worst Country in the World

America, and in particular Bush, has been coming in for some harsh criticism in recent times due to its alleged "brazen flouting of international laws and basic human rights".

However, a recent report revealed that "the United States was by no means the sole or even the worst offender [of human rights] as murder, mayhem and abuse of women and children spread to the four corners of the globe".

If anything we should thank America for not being the worst country in the world, not have a massive go at them all the time and Amnesty International should bear this in mind when spreading their very mean stories about Guantanamo Bay being the "gulag of modern times" (full story).

How many other countries can boast to not being the worst in the world at abusing everyone and everything?

Just imagine how sad Bush must have felt when Amnesty International said all those nasty things about his beloved country. I am frankly impressed at the restraint he has shown in recent weeks. A lesser leader might, in the circumstances, be forgiven for "regime changing" a few oil-rich nations or simply flattening North Korea in a fit of pique.

Jag

03 June 2005

Stupid People

Here are some new and old quotes from very stupid famous people. Let's be glad that we're all really unknown, intelligent and say clever things all the time.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey


"I don't like defining myself. I just am."
- Britney Spears


"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
-Alicia Silverstone


"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
Christina Aguilera



"I feel safe in white because deep down inside, I'm an angel."
-P Diddy


And my personal favourate........

"I have been the artist with the longest career, and I am so proud and honoured to be chosen from heaven to be invincible."
-Michael Jackson

Hmmmm, invincible eh? Let's just see how invincible you are when you're being jack-hammered up the rear in prison.