29 July 2005

Madonna is an alien

I always thought Madonna looked pretty good for her age. Until I saw this picture. Now I'm convinced she is not from this planet.

What the hell is wrong with her arm? It's so white it's blinding me.

Hot Stuff

A man who had trouble getting a hard on decided to solve the matter by shoving a thermometer up his penis to act as a support pillar.

Seemed like a great idea when his wife was getting her rocks off... not such a great idea when the thermometer managed to slide its way up to his bladder.

One emergency removal operation later and he's decided that purchasing a dildo is an easier option.

28 July 2005

Fancy a Hank?

A 26-year-old tramp was charged with indecent exposure after police found him standing naked in a cornfield chewing on a cob trying to find where Forrest Gump lived.

I don't know about you but if I were Tom Hank I would be crapping myself like a big black Alsatian right now.

Having a mad-as-snakes, naked, cob-chewing tramp after you is no f*****g joke!


Hank - hiding?

Moobs

A fourteen year old boy had to have surgery to remove breasts that he grew.

Now, it may be every red-blooded teenager's dream to have ready access to knockers at the age of 14, but I can also see why the kid was not so happy about having pendulous oomlaats of his own... and no, I am not attaching a picture...

Lost Stash Found

Some coke-fiend must be gutted after the bungling bandito lost a suitcase containing $16m worth of coke in it.

No doubt the guy was heading for a date with Eastender's star Danielle Wesbrook. That amount of coke would have lasted at least until tomorrow with that "hoover".



Coke-craze Danielle who famously sniffed away her septum.

Statue of Madonna Can Move

Thousands of Italian pilgrims flocked to a village near Naples in the hope of seeing a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary miraculously moved her legs.


Plastered Madonna

What's so special about that?

If I get plastered on 6 pints of Special Brew not only does the entire world spin around at high speed but my piss turns to blood. Also, stigmata-like cuts and bruises inexplicably appear on my knuckles and face the following day.

This happens on a regular basis yet I don't see anyone crowding around to catch a glimpse of me. In fact, people tend to avoid me when I am out on-the-town.

Irish Paramedics

27 July 2005

Not So "Free Willie"

Groom goes to stag party in Ireland.

Groom gets drunk.

Groom traps his "aardvark's nose" in his zipper and has to be rescued by the coastguard and taken to hospital.

Believe it?



I bet his fiancee doesn't... poor bloke. He snaps his banjo and loses his bird all in one go.

26 July 2005

Oops, I won't do it again

Britney Spear's has decided she's going to adopt from now on.

Her reason is that she wants to give an under-privileged child a chance.

Yeah right, she took one look at her husband with his socks and flip-flops and felt a huge wave of regret that she's reproducing his genes into the world.


The child in her stomach is the most under-privileged of all. Poor Britney.

A night in Paris

If there were ever two people who could afford to 'get a room' it would be the billionaire Paris's.

But they are like two school children groping each other in a car like they're dogs on heat.

And where is his hand going? She's only letting him do that because of the watermelon sized diamond she has on her wedding ring.


He's trying to find out if she's a real blonde

24 July 2005

Bride Marries Wrong Man

An Indian woman ended up marrying the wrong man by mistake after a slip of the tongue by the priest.

The priest mixed up the groom with his brother at a Muslim wedding in Udaiya, India.

It is reported the bride was sent back to her parents' home and is now in a dilemma as to whether she is married to her original groom or his brother.


Random crying bride

Imagine the disappointment of the groom. Just as he thinks that he is about to tuck into his new bride he finds out that she is married to his brother... and is thus his sister... and to consummate the relationship would amount to incest and adultery... which would mean that his brother would have to throw acid on her face and kill him...

The groom answers to the name "Lucky".

Pooch Strangler

Ulysses Zimmerman has been issued a very unusual sentence after pleading guilty to strangling his dog.

Instead of paying a fine or going to jail, Ulysses Zimmerman was literally told to go and stand in the corner.


Ulysees

No doubt this loony judge would make Saddam Hussein run around the football pitch during lunchtime as a punishment for genocide and let Hitler off with "lines" for mass murder.

Gummy Mummy

The world's oldest mum, who gave birth at the age of 66, says she wants another baby.


Wrinkly Adriana

Adriana Iliescu, now 67, revealed she would like another child as she was presented with confirmation of her feat by the Guinness Book of Records.

Adriana, a retired university professor, said that she was too busy to have a baby when she was younger.

Lying spinster. She just could not get laid. How long does it take for a shag? Two, three minutes? Five at a push.

I just don't think that it is normal that a woman gives birth at a time when she has less teeth than her newborn.

22 July 2005

Jen Sinks Undercover Brother

Reports claim that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner of "Alias" fame are going to have a baby.


Judging from these photos, however, Jen's lips are inflating faster than her tummy.

In fact, Jenny's lips are bigger than my proud afro-toting, rum-swilling, cigar-chuffing negro of a brother...



Cool - Jules



Steady - Jules



My bro Julian - the original "Undercover Brother"

21 July 2005

Jessica Alba Calls Cruise Rent-Boy

Jessica Alba has effectively called Tom Cruise a rent-boy and Katie Homes and a whore during an interview saying that they prostitute themselves to further their careers.

Whilst I agree with Jess, I think she is a bit of a hypocrite.

First, judging from this picture Jess is hardly a saint.


Goes like a frog in a sock?

Second, she is dating film director Cash Warren which will hardly damage her career... and I'll bet they don't pass the time playing tiddly-winks in her trailer.

Now, I'm not saying Jess is brass. All I'm saying is that she is not the best person to call Cruise a tart.

I am.

Horse Rides Man

One "horse-lover" in Washington thought he was a right stud... Until, that is, he died from internal injuries after getting nailed by a real Italian stallion.


Correct - men should ride horses...
not the other way around

There is a salient lesson for us all - while horseplay can be fun it should be kept within safe boundaries and people can get hurt if they try to shove things the size of an arm up their bottoms.

What an idiot. They say "horses for courses" for precisely this reason.

What is most surprising about this entire bizarre episode is that because sex with animals is not barred by law in Washington state, no arrests have been made and the horse remains at large.

Some Like 'em Young



Jared Leto's (34 years old) past relationships have an obvious trend... diminishing age.

Ex-girlfriends


Cameron Diaz - 33 years old.


Scarlett Johansson - 21 years old

Current girlfriend


Ashley Olsen - 19 years old

Got his eyes on?


Dakota Fanning - 11 years old

Next thing you know he'll be hanging outside delivery wards.

Al Pacino Charms Rose McGowan

If the rumours are true Al Pacino must be laughing all the way to the bonk.

It is rumoured that Al, 65, is dating 31-year-old "Charmed" actress Rose McGowan.


Rose - Charmed, I'm sure


Scarface - Al firing on all cylinders

No doubt Al's famous catch-phrase, "say heeello to my leeettle fwend", will be used in a more amorous context with Rose than it was in the film "Scarface".

Al is a legend and a hero. Hats of to King Al.

The Naked Truth

A woman in Germany caught shopping in the nude was let off when she told police that she was naked because she had lost a "spin the bottle" bet.

A police spokesperson said "she could have been arrested for disturbing the peace, but we decided to let her go home with a verbal warning"

I am not not an expert on female anatomy but I have performed some calculations and come to the conclusion that this woman must have had a terribly untidy "punani".

Forget about a "badly stuffed kebab", she must have had a "snatch" with flaps like two sides of beef to generate enough noise to "disturb the peace".


Beef

Wowaweewa. Don't facy hers much.

Man Mugged Twice in 5 Minutes

Derrick Schull, 50, reported he was mugged twice within five minutes whilst on holiday. The first bunch of banditos stole his money and his wallet.

The second lot battered him for not having anything to give them.


Schull - robbed twice

This man is so unlucky I'll bet if he fell in a barrel of tits he would come up sucking his own thumb.

What a mug.

20 July 2005

US firm to Send Blogs to Space

A US firm is to provide a free service, BloginSpace.com, to send weblogs, or personal Internet diaries, into deep space.

Not interested. Tell me when they've worked out how to send Tom Cruise into outer-space, the over-acting-alien-loving-religious-nut, then I'll listen.

By all accounts Cruise would be right at home there anyway, and his being on earth is getting right on my tits.


ET - petrified at thought of
spending evening with Cruise

Then again, if "we" did that to "them", they would blow us out of the cosmos for sure...

Can't we reach a compromise and put him on the moon or something?

Hot... or Not... Chicks that Cheat

Oh lordy. "Fit" chicks... with faces literally like smashed crabs. There should be a law against it.

Who said "the camera never lies"? It is pretty clear that cameras are worse than "Billy Liar" with the assistance of Photshop 2005.










In real life this one looks like she just had a date with Mike Tyson

Then again, I'll bet Jude Law would gladly tuck into these chicks. He loves ugly chicks does our Jude.

He's mental for 'em.

Law Scores Hole-in-One

Jude Law's gone and done it again by having an affair with his childrens' nanny.













No prize for best nanny

As you can see from the picture, she's definitely no oil paining. Jude's motto is obviously "any hole's a goal"...



In fact, he's probably practising yoga right this second so he can do his own chocolate-starfish.

And, if you look deep into his eyes, you cannot discount the possibility that he also has his sights set on you... regardless of gender if the rumours are true.

19 July 2005

Sin-Oz Trouble

A 19 year-old movie fan had his nose bitten off outside an Australian cinema during an argument about the quality of the violence in "Sin City", the new Bruce Willis movie.


Bruce - hard

If I go to watch this canibalism-inspiring film you should certainly stay away from me. I'm mad me. I bit the head off a puppy after watching "Harry Potter"...

Ticket To Not Ride...

In India Police made over 200 people caught watching pornography do sit-ups in public to shame them and keep them away from theatres that illegally screen smutty movies.

I don't suppose Sarah Michelle Gellar, Colin Farell, Jessica Simpson or George Clooney will be booking tickets to Delhi in the immediate future.


Gellar - wants to make sexy films


Farell - sex-tape with ex-girlfriend


Simpson - wants to run around naked


Clooney - dating pornstar Krista

Unless, that is, they need an arrest to boost their ratings.

I'll tell you what me nan says about these actors... they're over-sexed, over-paid and over here!

Buff Muff Buffy?

Sarah Michelle Gellar wants to go topless in her next movie just so that directors take her seriously and give her "sexy roles" in the future.


Gellar - to reveal all?

I'll tell you what, she's going to have to do a lot more than get her maracas out if she wants to be taken seriously by such pornstar legends as Rocco "The Fishhook" Siffredi or Pete "The Racehorse" North.

"Two-in-the-back-two-in-the-front" is spare change for these guys...

Tits-out does not even get you a look-in.

18 July 2005

Skirting Close to the Edge

These picutres were not taken with an x-ray camera. Neither are these skirts see-thru.

Having skirts with a print that makes them look like they are is all the rage in Japan at the moment.


Cheeky


Very cheeky


Perky


Not so perky

Imagine your nan in one of these... My lord..

Got Milk

Jessica Simpson wants to adopt a child.

She is so keen, in fact, that earlier this week she whipped out one of her whapps just to prove that no child of hers would go hungry.


Generous Jess showing off a pink-nosed-puppy

Jess also revealed that she likes to run about the place stark naked.

17 July 2005

Matt and His Rat

Matt Le Blanc is suffering from post-Friends no-fame so much that he can't afford a toilet and has to pee in hedges.

If that's not bad enough he's only gone and got on the Paris-Britney bandwagon and got a dog that looks like a rat.


Private Dick - knob like a monkey's little toe - Matt

Sort it out Matt. I used to like you. Now I think you're a prat. And it seems you have a small "Johnson"...

And who's the dude in this picture?

Your dad?