17 August 2005

Puff Daddy Forgets Name... Again

First there was "Puff Daddy"... but that was too long to remember...

Next there was "P Diddy"... but that was also too long and was starting to confuse Coombs and his fans.

Now, Coombs wants a shorter name... he's thinking about "Diddy".

Coombs - not a rocket scientist

I'll tell you what, if Sean "Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy" Coombs, or whatever his name is wants a short name then I have a suggestion.

Why not go form something like "C*nt"... That's kinda snappy and it's what he's acting like.
Link submistted by Gadams

16 August 2005

Eva Longoria Inundated with Vibrators

Desperate Housewives star, Eva Longoria, seems to think that she is “Little Miss Popular” just because some “randoms” sent her a bunch of vibrators.

Poor old Eva, she is certainly not the sharpest chisel in the box.

Profoundly stupid - Eva

She doesn’t even realise that she is being told to “f*ck herself” in the rudest possible manner.

Silly, silly, bint.

Jennifer Connelly's Sexual Multi-Tasking

Oscar Award winning actress, Jennifer Connelly, has been bigging-up her bedroom prowess claiming to be able to "multi-task during sex".

Rude - Jen

However, Jennifer's "multi-tasking" does not involve the type of complex "two-in-the-front-two-in-the-back" with "double-pike" manoeuvre for which legendary talents such as the now-wrinkly Jenna Jameson were famed.

No, Jennifer's multi-tasking involves reading a book, talking on the phone, or even surfing the internet while having sex with her husband.

How rude.

That is taking the p!ss if you ask me and there can be no excuse... No, not even if the bloke is hung like a monkey's toe.

"Welcome to F*cking"

No, this isn't the sign at the entrance of Hugh Hefner’s mansion, there is actually an Austrian town called "F*cking".

Fucking is a wonderful place; everyone is happy, energetic and content. Their only problem is that British tourists come along and steal their road signs. But not as bad as their nearby neighbours "W*nk On-the-Lake".

Eminem Enrages Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey is upset and hurt that Eminem played private love-messages she left on his voice-mail to audiences of his "Anger Management" tour recently.

I'll bet you Eminem is crapping himslef like a big black Alsatian at the thought of an angry Mariah being "after" him.

Eminem - thinks he's a lad

I don't know what's more pathetic:

a) that Eminem claimed to have an affair with Mariah when he didn't; or
b) that Emimen should be so heartless; or
c) that I should find these two complete morons so hilarious.

Although I do feel some sympathy for her, Mariah has only herself to blame.

Eminem is clearly a complete tosser and always will be.

She could never have changed him. You cannot polish a turd.

What a lad!

Posh Spice has Never Read a Book

On the eve of releasing "her" autobiography Victoria Beckham has made the not-so-suprising revelation that she has never read a book.

Posh - not a "reader"

Other not-so-shocking things that we all know about Posh, but which she seems blissfully unaware of, are:

a) she cannot sing;
b) she is orange; and
c) she is not "posh".

15 August 2005

Not So "Happy Ending"

Lisa Kudrow, of "Friends" fame, pictured here at the premiere of her latest film "Happy Endings", has certainly seen better days.

Lisa - tired

Don't get me wrong, I think Lisa is great... most of the time.

But, how rude!

If she insists on going to her own premiere she should at least try to avoid looking like a chewed-up boot wrapped up in a bit of cloth a tramp would'nt p!ss on.

As for me, I'm going to stop stalking her until she gets her act together.

"A Bird in the Hand..."

... is worth two in the Bush...

American Secret Servicemen - looking for "dirty weapons"

Going Naked Boosts Self Esteem

Taking your clothes off and showing off your "privates" is good for morale according to an article in the Times Online.

I beg to differ.

Not only did seeing this fat slag in the buff have no positive impact on my self-esteem whatsoever but it actually made me vomit all over my desk and forced me into a state of depression.

Cor, blimey, don't fancy yours much

Serial Bunny Boiler

Buggs Bunny can sleep easier tonight now that Brendan McMahon, Sydney, is safely in police custody.

McMahon, 36, a New Zealand born finance company director, faced a Sydney court recently charged with having sexual relations with a rabbit and the sadistic killing of 17 other rabbits whose carcasses were found dumped in a lane in The Rocks.

Police re-enactment

What a bully. This guy should pick on something his own size...

12 August 2005

"Jesus Toast"

Some complete twat is trying to sell "Jesus Toast" on ebay using this picture.

What a tosser. I was just looking for a bit of bread with a religious icon on it for a sum of around US$ 250.

I'll be damned, literally, if I'm going to pay that much for a bit of bread when I haven't even seen the picture.

I'm glad that nobody has bought his toast. I bet the picture looks nothing like God anyway.


As luck would have it I just found another perfect bit of "Jesus Toast" on ebay going for only US$5.

Perfick - the Lord

My brother was right. Jesus is black!

11 August 2005

Porn Again Johnny Depp

It seems as though Johnny Depp is going the way of other celebrities and, bored of being up his own arse, now wants to get up somebody elses.

Yes, you guessed it, "little" Johnny wants to get on the "celebrity pornstar bandwagon".

Unlike Tyson, however, Johnny's motivation to star in porn films is not cash driven but artistic. Johnny wants to avoid being "type-cast" as an eccentric.

What nonsense.

Johnny - "D.P. and Meaningful"

Is all this because his girlfriend won't let him put his tallywhacker in her chocolate factory?

Filthy bugger. I didn't know he had it in him.

Eminem Don't Got the Back to be Black

Marshal Mathers, aka Eminem, has been wrongly accused of turning his back on the audience, pulling down his trousers and farting on adoring fans.

What the reporters of the article did not realise is that this is a frequently occurring problem with "wiggaz", who suffer from a common complaint called "myassaintbigenuftoholdmybaggy trousersup" syndrone.

What he was in fact doing was a dance move which involved a spin-and-toe-touch. However, due to "lack-of-back" his pants slipped down.

Then, feeling his trousers falling and about to reveal his pink piccolo, the poor little fella shat himself .

"How many inches Mathers?"

10 August 2005

Say 'hello' to the Toothless Gibbon!

Kevin Fenderline is pleading for Britney to give birth on TV.

We've seen waaaaay to much of Britney and her massive bulge recently so surely we don't need to see her insides too?!

Kevin the hobo should stop while he's ahead and realise that he's married to a millionaire, without trying to publicly humiliate her even more than he already has.

Look! The baby's popping out of her toothless gibbon already!

Read all about it!

These are all actual articles...

I'm sure that Nike pay a fortune for that

Talk about stating the obvious, that's like saying 'Tom Cruise is a complete tosser' and 'War of the Worlds is sh!t'

That adds a whole new meaning to the expression 'there's plenty more fish in the sea'.

"Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief"

This is the actual headline that appeared on ESPN's website recently reporting the delight of supporters of "Young Boys Bern" football club in borough of Wankdorf in Zurich, that the construction of their new stadium had been approved.

No doubt the boys will be doubly happy if the can get Kuntz to show up for the opening...

German international Stefan Kuntz - known for getting on top of goalies

Crime Doesn't Pay

I suspect that the muchachos who stole US$65m from Banco Central in Brazil over the weekend would give the “one-finger-salute” to anyone was bold enough to tell them "crime doesn't pay".

Bush, leading by example - giving the "bird" to the entire planet.

Just to put it into context, US$65m is enough cash to make a pile of US$100 dollar bills about 65m tall.

Although "money can't buy you happiness" that amount would certainly help...

09 August 2005

"Vaginas R' Us"

A strip club owner has found himself in hot water for using the word "vagina" in a billboard which said “Vaginas R’ Us”.

This caused outrage in the local community. I say this is blatantly anti-feminist.

Surely women's reproductive organs should not be considered more taboo than "toys". They are both, after all, things placed on this planet for our amusement.

That being said, this silly club-owner should have been more sensitive to the opinions of those less enlightened than me.

He should have used his imagination in order to avoid the offending word. With so many synonyms available there is really no excuse. For example:

a) quim (polite);
b) clown's pocket (large);
c) wizard's sleeve (very large);
d) Albert Hall (enormous);
e) Grand Canyon (echoing wonder frequented by tourists);
f) gnat's ear (small);
g) toothless walrus (unkempt);
h) toothless goblin (ugly);
i) badly stuffed kebab (poorly maintained);
j) anchovy’s fanny (odorous).

Need I go on?

08 August 2005

Eddie Murphy is Delerious

Actor Eddie Murphy and his wife, Nicole, are divorcing.

Nicole filed the papers on Friday, citing "irreconcilable differences."

Correct me if I am wrong, but Nicole does not look like a zebra-riding-jungle-bitch with a bone through her nose to me.

Possibly not stupid - Nicole

No, she looks like a sassy "I knowm my rights you cheating bastard" kind of girl.

No doubt the word "HALF" will spring to the mind of anyone who remembers "Delerious".

Eddie - Preparing for battle

Not to worry, if things don't turn out well then Ed could always make some extra cash from a flick with Jenna Jameson.

Hopping Mad

Gregory Gale, a monogambist from Midland (US), was hopping mad after his girlfriend battered him to within an inch of his life with his own prosthetic leg.

Then, as if to add insult to injury, the heartless harpy tried to escape... with the leg to boot!

Gutted - Greg

Greg, who lost his leg in a train accident, said the incident arose because he would not commit to Tammy Johnson, his assailant-cum-girlfriend.

One leg and a severe beating later and this dude still wants to play the field?

Now that's "fighting spirit" if ever I saw it.

Girls love Harry's stick

Parents have been flooding stores with complaints after finding their teenaged daughters spending a little too much time riding Harry Potter's vibrating Nimbus 6000!

WOW, I gotta get me one of these!

By the way, that was J not me... I must admit, I feel slightly aggrieved to learn that my Doris wants to play with Harry Potter's broomhandle.

Oh Bullock

27-year-old Eric Bullock was hanging out at a crowded street parade standing right next to the cops when he put his briefcase on the ground and slid it underneath a 15-year-old schoolgirl.

Her parents became suspicious when they saw a camera lens sticking out the top of his briefcase.

Eric, now being charged for voyeurism said he "got the idea off the internet". I'm not surprised; no one that stupid could come up with an idea of his own.

Weapon of mass perversion

Not Men's Fault We Don't Understand You

Men who are accused of never listening to their women now have an excuse - women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, it official.

I have always thought this and am glad to be finally vindicated.

Doris - having a massive go at her fella

I personally will be sleeping more easily tonight and I am confident that "her indoors" will be far more understanding from now on.

Also, the fact that men decipher female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music explains why I start to breakdance like a whirling dervish everytime "the Doris" opens her mouth.

07 August 2005

Udderly Cool Marketing Ploy

It's so obvious I am surprised nobody thought of it earlier but one online casino has taken to advertising its website by painting live cows bright colours.

Bling - Daisy the cow

With the publicity these companies get from the reporting of their bizarre marketing ploys I personally think that this ad campaign is pure genius.

In fact, I have decided to get on the bandwagon and am half-way through doing a "guerrilla ad" on my cat.

Unfortunately, she is quite nimble and keeps escaping to hide under the telly.

Cheerleaders Turned Heroes

A team of cheerleaders used chanting to remember the registration number of a vehicle after witnessing a hit-and-run collision recently.

"We just started to chant it so we'd remember it and help them get the guy," boasted senior captain Kimmie Ostrowski to a local newspaper.

Chunky cheerleaders - stupid

Erm, well done girls.

Just one thing though, why not simply write the number down?

Stupid bints.

Best of British

A 12-year old girl was in hot water after getting arrested for going on a drunken rampage armed with a lead pipe.

A teenaged boy was punched in the face and a young woman was severely beaten.

The 12-year-old charmer then used the pipe to hit an Austrian tourist in the neck and a Danish woman on the head.

She was later found drunk in a gutter after downing a bottle of wine.

I'll tell you what, this must be the character Little Britain's Vicky Pollard was based on.


Makes me proud to be British

06 August 2005

Naomi Campbell - Streetfighter

Actress Yvonne Scio was reportedly hospitalised by Naomi Campbell after a one-sided brawl in a Rome hotel.

Cold-blooded Campbell was apparently driven into a frenzied rage because Yvonne was wearing the same frock as her.

Rubber-lipped psycho - Campbell

Meanwhile, Scio's lawyer has suggested that Campbell will face legal action.

Is he mad? Campbell will hunt him down and eat his family if he so much as issues a writ...

05 August 2005

Hard Up - Tyson Considers Porn Career

Ex-boxer, Mike Tyson, is considering starring in a porn film - with Jenna Jameson.

Tyson claims he is desperate for cash after being hit with a massive tax bill.

Porn Star - Jenna pretending to read

Bang up for it - "Iron" Mike?

Being a flat-broke convicted rapist, with a high-pitched voice and a facial tattoo, doesn't make Tyson very popular with the ladies and I am sure that he would appreciate the shag so much he'd probably do it for free.

Let's hope this time Tyson can stay up for longer than a couple of minutes.

As for Jenna, let's hope she practices "safe sex" and makes Mike wear a muzzle. Otherwise he is liable to take a chunk out of her...

Trim Pussy

Cat-loving woman from Oklahoma (with slight accent) frequently takes fluffy cat to groomers to get cat a "line cut" (tummy fur is trimmed).

Woman moves to Chicago (where the accent is different) and asks the groomer to give her cat a "line cut".

Three things surprised the woman.

First, the cost. She was quoted twice as much as she was used to.

Second, the result...

The "Lion" cut

Depressed cat.

The third thing that surprised the woman was that the groomer would think that she was such a c**t as to want her cat to look like a lion...

04 August 2005

Depp of Depravity

Apparently, bucking the hollywood trend to cradle-snatch, Johnny Depp has been going around snogging someone's nan.

80-year old actress Liz Smith admitted in an interview that Johnny slipped her the tongue during filming for his latest hit movie.

Randy Granny - Liz

Liz added that she always has time for Charlie in the Chocolate Factory.

The filthy old bag.

Puppy Schnuppy

Some mad scientists with a God-complex have gone and cloned a dog.

Don't worry, not even they were insane enough to make another Madonna or Britney - now that would raise some ethical questions - but they've cloned a real canine by doing some "nuclear cell transfusion".

Snuppy - a dog

What is the point? Snuppy looks like a regular puppy!

Surely any self-respecting scientist worth his salt would have been "creative" and added a few more heads or given Snuppy gonads the size of medicine balls and huge razor-sharp metal teeth.

I am starting to think that these scientific sorts don't have a sense of humour.

Snuppy is just as crappy as that sheep.

One final thought... don't they eat dogs in Korea?

Meat Head

An artist has shocked gallery visitors by filming herself with her face covered in raw meat.

Gabriela Rivera's - Artist's impression

What a load of toss.

I don't know about you but I personally do not consider doing Michael Jackson impressions as "art".

03 August 2005

Paris is forgetful

Look at this picture of Paris and Nicole.

It looks like they have both had the same fake tan and hair dye on. But while Nicole washed hers off at the correct time, Paris forgot to take hers off.

She's like an overcooked steak, but at least overcooked steaks have a purpose - dog food.

Michael says Hello to money

Michael Jackson is selling his story of his recent trial to Hello Magazine for $2 million dollars.

When that money runs out he can sell his personal pictures of him and his young 'friends' to Gay Priests Weekly for a few extra bucks.

Michael - desperate as always

02 August 2005

Where is the loo?

It seems that Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas has taken her band's name FAR too literally.

Let's just be glad she's not in the Black Eyed Poos.

Infact she's gone so far down in my estimation that I now have more respect for the other Fergie.

At least the ginger trollop is continent