27 September 2005

More Stupid Celebrity Quotes

Gotta love 'em!


"So my fame would have some dignity and purpose." - Sharon Stone, when asked why she was an AIDS activist



"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel




"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to." - Linda Evangelista

26 September 2005

Erection Your Honour

A judge has been caught using a penis pump under his robe, during a trial!

Some jurors thought he was distracted playing a video game until they went behind his desk during lunchtime and found the pump and a whole pile of spunk!


Thompson - not just his hammer he was beating

25 September 2005

Terrorists Ready to Strike?

I was enraged to read recently that Al-Qaida has 18,000 terrorists ready to strike.

It's bad enough that these people are sewing death and destruction about the place.

The fact that they now appear ready to commence industrial action to get better working conditions made me so angry I threw up my lunch and turned to drink.


Industrial action? - Osama can rot in his cave for all I care...

Got the Horn?

The saying goes, "see a penny pick it up and all the day you'll have good luck".

Well, Manalo Beltran begs to differ. He's the matador who bent over to pick up a penny whilst at work and he was badly gored in the anus.



Manalo - "Ouch!"

Beltran, who suffered horrendous internal injuries vowed never to fight another bull so long as he lives.

That's not good luck in my book.

Cherie Blair in "Pearl Necklace" Controversy

The UK press is up in arms amid allegations that Cherie Blair avoided paying tax on pearls and other jewellery and then lied to the public about the affair.

Quite frankly I am appalled.

If the wife of the most powerful man in England, and a senior barrister to boot, is not allowed to get away without paying tax then who is?


Cherie - funny face

Poor old Cherie. With a face like hers she deserves a break.

Then again, she must have something. She's married to the Prime Minister of Great Britain and she can be seen in the photo below with Dubya possibly about to slip her the tongue.


No regrets? - Bush

24 September 2005

The Bare Truth

I was part of the crowd that took part in the naked art installation in Lyon, France recently.

To be part of this conceptual art construct was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...



But like most of the blokes, I was there for the tits and bush. Sorry.

23 September 2005

Stonehenge Still Not Finished

Whilst on holiday recently I happened to be passing by Stonehenge and was disappointed to see that that those soap dodging druids still haven't finished it even though they started about 5,000 years ago.



















When will they get off their lazy backsides and do something for a change rather than living off the tax-payers' money, watching Oprah and smoking crack?

I personally blame Blair and the rest of his cronies who were clearly too busy building that stupid dome to provide any meaningful assistance...

22 September 2005

A Scientific Study on Women

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his @rse.


An Angry woman

Cor blimey. Don't fancy yours much!

Source - Gadams

21 September 2005

Help!

Paul McCartney fell down a hole whilst performing on stage recently.

Reportedly at the time he was singing "Hello, Goodbye".

Someone is going to get sooo fired for that. I'm sure Paul wasn't hoping to join John and George just yet. Or even match Heather in the mono-leg club. (Sorry, I know that's cruel, I couldn't help it!)



"When I'm 64" - not at the rate you're going Paul

20 September 2005

Poor Little Billy

Little Billy, an Aussie, was at school this morning in the Outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheaphotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.''No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."


The "Ashes" - Finally home

(Thanks to Ken P for the link)

19 September 2005

WTF?

This dress is so wrong in so many ways, I don't even know what else to say apart from thank god there is no breeze.



















Thanks Josh for the link

15 September 2005

Finger Amputation to Improve Play

Brett Backwell, an Aussie rules football player plans to have one of his fingers amputated to improve his play...


Fingered - Brett

He says he's getting it done because his finger hurts when he catches the ball...

"To chop a finger off, that's a bit drastic," Backwell told the ABC. "But I love my footy (football), and love playing sport, and if that's going to help me to succeed at this level then it's something you've just got to do."

Brett, who also suffers from acute migraines, is also considering decapitation some time next week.

Good riddance. The stupid Jock.

14 September 2005

Crap Talk

A girl in Romania got caught stealing a mobile phone. However when the police searched her they found nothing. Confused, they called the phone and heard a muffled ring. She had hid it up her bottom.

Maybe she wasn't hiding it at all, maybe she was just waiting for the vibration mode to hit her muffled ring...

The real loser in this story is the person who got their phone back after it being up this girls ass. They have a faint smell of poo whenever they get a call, now that's what I call talking crap.


Secret passage

12 September 2005

Rough as old football boots

Incase you thought Victoria Beckham looks like this


She actually looks like this



Looks like David's been using her head as a football and Brooklyn using her face as a diaper.

09 September 2005

Jackson's Accusers Get Raped in Court

It's a harsh irony that the tart trying to fleece mad-Mike Jackson for fingering her son is now being personally raped in court for benefit fraud.


Buff - Wacko

Also, word around the camp fire is that Mike is working out and looking buff...

F*ck me (please don't) but the only thing that I can think of that is scarier than a built-up Michael Jackson is a gay Mr. T .


Big gaylord? Mr T

Those dudes would rule the town and would not take "no" for an anser.

08 September 2005

Man Raped by Three Women

A bloke in South Africa was abducted by three women and forced at gunpoint to have sex with each of them in the back of a car.

Strangely, however, if and when caught, the women will not be charged with rape as it is not "legally" possible for a woman to rape a man. The highest charge that can be levelled against the women is sexual assault.

Hence the eternal question: "would a woman-to-man transexual with an 11 inch ankle-whacker get off with a fine for buggering an innocent passerby?"


Women rapists?

Now that's f*cked if you ask me.
_________________
Link provided by off my blog...

Barbara Bush is Stupid

In what appears to be a blatant attempt to be more stupid than her moron of a son, Barabara Bush has claimed that the poor, dying and homeless of New Orleans are actually doing better than before hurricane Katrina struck.

Barbara explained that "... so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this - (chuckling slightly) is working very well for them."

What was the stupid cow thinking?

No doubt she also believes that Freddy Mercury's AIDS has cleared right up and that Hitler is not all that bad, just misunderstood. Presumably anal rape is also fine by her and death, famine and destruction are mere trifles.

In my humble opinion the Bush family should be banned from breeding. Their stupidity is obviously hereditary and they should not be given the opportunity to further contaminate the planet with more complete halfwits.


Babs "Bestiality is Good?" Bush

Wild Stab in the Dark

A lap dancer got so offended when she was turned down a dance that she stabbed the man.



It's a good thing this crazy woman doesn't work as a door-to-door saleswoman, imagine the mayhem...

"No thank you, I do not want to buy your useless item"

"DIE MOTHER F*CKER" she would scream as she mows you down with a machine gun and torches your house.

07 September 2005

The war of the bumps

Christina Aguilera is obviously jealous of the attention that Britney's bump is getting so has decided to get two of her own.


Smuggling beer kegs

Why doesn't she save some time and get an oil tanker implanted into her chest?