30 October 2005

Not-so ‘New Edition’ of Bobby Brown

Take a young, talented, good-looking kid. Give him fame & fortune.

Add a beautiful wife... with a massive coke habit. Leave for a few years.

What do you get?


Bobby Brown - has seen better days

I'll tell you what, I'll follow Bobby's advice and won't be cruel. He's obviously had a hard enough time of it already.

28 October 2005

Busted by blow-off

I recently bought a new wetsuit and tried it on. Imagine my embarrassment when I thought I could get away with a quick fart...

Time Machine for Sale

They say that you can sell anything on ebay...

Well some entrepreneurial Kiwi has received bids as high as $300,000,000,001,999 for a time machine that he invented!

The only drawback is that he does not have the time to finish it...

27 October 2005

Amazing Optical Illusion

This is without question the best optical illusion I've ever seen... If you stare at the image for about 10 seconds, you should see a giraffe...

24 October 2005

Rock Bottom Budget Airlines

When recently flying on Air Asia, one of the region's new budget airlines I was pleasantly surprised how good the service was.











Until I went for a dump and came across....



















Swamp thing

Why can't they at least have the decency to strap their legs together if they insist on passing out spread eagle?

23 October 2005

Workshy Crime Buster Back to Work

A French police inspector has gone back to work after spending 12 years on paternity leave.

Ironically, despite being absent for two-thirds of his career Mr Krasker is now eligible for a promotion to chief inspector.


Eric Krasker with tramp look-alike Beetles legend

No doubt Krasker will be going on strike soon in line with French tradition.

It's a Dog's Life

Mariah Carey gave her dog its own chauffeur-driven mercedes because an airline refused to allow him to join her on a first class flight.


Dog-lover Mariah

The airline's refusal was based on the fact that it only allows "famous" dogs on its planes.

Mariah's retort was: "Please! He has three websites dedicated to him."

There are a number of comments that I could make about this story but I am going to say only one.

"What a bunch of utter c**ts!"

Best of British

David Beckham flew a mechanic on a 1,900-mile round-trip from England to Spain to fit a new iPod in his BMW this week.

However, despite ridiculously extravagant and stupid behaviour such as this, and the fact that the bloke may well earn over £770,000 a week, I cannot help feeling sorry for David.


Posh: "Peperami sausage tied up in [...] raffia" (The Times)

Being married to Posh cannot be easy.

22 October 2005

Nazi Raccoons

Nazi racoons released into the countryside in 1934 on 'ze orders' of Luftwaffe head-honcho, Goering, are creating havoc in Germany by ruining much of this year's wine harvest.


Goering - fascist wine-spoiling Nazi

Two World Wars, one World Cup, now this.

I feel sorry for the poor old Bosch.

21 October 2005

Not so Immacculate a Conception

Katie Holmes wanted to remain a virgin until she got married.

Now she is pregnant.

Tom wanted to knock-her-up to prove she loved him....

Katie's next test will be to give birth in absolute silence. Scientologists believe that crying out during labour traumatises the infant.


Crazy bastards

Bush on Hotline to God

President George Bush has claimed he was told by God to invade Iraq and attack Afghanistan as part of a divine mission.

What utter bullsh!t.

If I had voices in my head telling me to kill tens of thousands of people I would go straight to the nearest lunatic asylum to get my head examined.

Next thing bush will be claiming to be the Messiah


Bush: telephone to Glory?

Giant Squids and Rough Sex

Having eight legs, two feeding tentacles and an eight-foot penis may sound like a laugh but, in reality, it can be a right pain in the leg.

Ask this poor bastard of a squid who was found washed up on a beach having killed himself with a lethal high-pressure sperm injection into his own leg probably suffered during rough sex with the larger female...


Talk about dying for a shag

So next time things in the bedroom don't work out perfectly for you just spare a thought for the poor old giant quid.

Pete a.k.a. Rapunzel

Pete, Pete, let down your hair




Uh, ok then, pass out at the window you drug crazed freak.



What the f*ck is Kate Moss doing with this loser?... apart from coke, that is.

20 October 2005

Man creates giant kebab

When I read this headline I thought someone had cloned Paris Hilton's privates.


Not Paris!?

Oh how I laughed when I realised it was a story about kebab weighing 1,850kgs on a 1.73-metre steel skewer.

Am I a t**t or what?

"We're just friends" - my arse

The latest pics of Jen and Vince,




There's about as much going on there as there is with Brad and Angelina... i.e. he's adopting her child!



Why can't they all have a mud-wrestle? Or a shoot-off? Or all sit in a room together with no food and see who eats each other first? Now that would be entertainment!

Hello Bones!

Guess who lost their Wonderbra contract and can't afford food anymore?









Boobs have sagged into a resemblence of oranges in leather socks






Eva Herzigova - still giving the boys a 'bone'r

Pillow Support

Dolly Parton's knockers are so big that she occasionally has to rest them on bongo stands!

How embarrassing if part of your attire was this



However in her defense, Dolly is quoted as saying:

"I do have big tits. Always had 'em -- pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em."

She has got a point, wish I needed damn bongo stands.


Dolly - sleeps on her back?

Le Soap... No Merci

The Anglo-Saxon caricature of the average French person being a workshy soap-dodger received an unexpected boost in a recent survey in 'Le Point'.

That survey reveals that one in ten French people never uses soap, one in 25 never takes a bath or a shower, and one in 33 never brushes his teeth.

Not surprisingly nine out of ten French women use perfume every day.

To cop it all, on average 2,000 French people are on strike every day.


Francois

Animal Farm

This is the most ridiculous sheep I've ever seen. Look how it's cringing with embarrassment.




A woman found a bullet in her pork chop. The wolf really did want that pig to come out of his house!




Some crazy guy in Berlin sent a poisonous green mamba through the post. However he did thoughtfully attach a note saying: "Warning Poisonous snake!"

19 October 2005

God Sued

A Romanian prisoner is suing God for failing to save him from the Devil.

God is accused of "cheating, abuse and traffic of influence".

Unfortunately, the inmate was unavailable for comment as his cell was infested with a mysterious plague of locusts, his mouth was full of boils and a 'pox' was consuming his hindermost parts.

Meanwhile God's representatives remained confident that the Almighty would emerge victorious.


Jesus - in bouyant mood

Copperfield in Long Distance Muff Buff

Ugly sorcerer David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.

If a bloke can make the Statue of Liberty and an airplane disappear in front of a live crowd then I reckon he is very capable of aiming the 'vinegar strokes' with the precision of a sniper.

That being said his biggest trick to date is getting Claudia Schiffer to shag him.


Copperfield - ugly wizard

10ft Snake Spotted in Manchester Toilet

A 10ft snake has been spotted in the toilet of a posh gaffe in Manchester.


Monty

When I first read this headline I thought that some generously proportioned fellow with an ankle-whacker had been caught belting one out in the dunnies of the 'Hacienda'.

18 October 2005

Jack Twat

Jack Osbourne has lost loads of weight, but looks damn weird.


Twat Jack

Some people were born fat, and they should stay that way


Fat Jack - aaah, that's better (but his hair does look a bit like a particularly untidy minge!)

Saturday Night Fight Club

Elton John famously sang "Saturday night's alright for fighting, Get a little action in".

Well, Elton, tell that to my cousin who has spent the past year banged up in chokey on two charges of aggravated assault against a couple of coppers who tried to stop him smashing up a McDonalds.


Elton - cheesy grin

I'll tell you what. Elton will be smiling on the other side of his face if my cousin gets a hold of him.

Debts and Stuff

I ran up crippling credit card debts buying expensive meals, booze and generally living it up to impress my Doris.

That's precisely why why some of the poorer African countries are in such dire straights.

However, you didn't see BandAid or any of Geldof's cronies raising a finger to help me...


Lend us a Bob, Geldof

Nor did you see me sitting around on my backside waiting for government handouts. No. Hard work and determination is what saw me through.

And Bob, if you were thinking about lending a hand now, don't bother. It's too late. I got a loan from my nan and now I'm pretty flush.

Bad Day in the Office

I may be a little short-tempered.

I may have a tendency to fly-off-the-handle at the drop-of-a-hat.

But at least I have never murdered a colleague by attacking them with a machette and feeding them to the lions... which is exactly what Mark Scott-Crossley did.


Very Crossley

So, the next time I reduce a co-worker to tears I will not be apologising. I will be reminding them just how lucky they are for not being hacked apart and chewed into bits by an oversized cat.

16 October 2005

Oh Boy

Gay pop icon-cum-DJ 'Boy George' was arrested at his home recently for possession of cocaine.

The worst thing is that the police who arrested him were called to the scene by the singer himself... who thought he was being burgled... by a male prostitute that the gender bending star had invited to his home.


Turd burglary?

I’ll tell you what. I’m going to go easy on him. He must be feeling enough of an @rsehole as it is.

Not so Great Ape

Scientists have hailed the discovery of a gorilla using a stick to cross a pond as a "a truly astounding discovery".



What a load of old tosh. Humans have been doing the same for years without anyone making a fuss about it.

Tell me when a gorilla has invented a machine that can travel faster than the speed of light, or written a Shakespearean masterpiece, then I'll be impressed.

How do politicians deal with drugs?

Apparently in England they smoke them...



I personally think that all those MPs who so much as think about taking drugs should be publicly flogged...

15 October 2005

Hookers for the Handicapped

The Danish government is under attack for paying for its disabled citizens to have sex with prostitutes once a month...


Brass in a glass

Once a month???

What a bunch of stingy gits. They should give them a go at least a couple of times a week.

Otherwise their "pods" might explode...

Diar Crime

Nicole Diar, who is on trial for the murder of her 4-year-old son, is a walking anti-alcohol campaign.


"Dire" crime

What horrifies me, in addition to her wicked infanticide, is that this woman could get knocked-up in the first place.

If she isn't a "fifteen pinter" then I don't know what is.

The thought of her sh@gging makes me retch.

Monkey Quits Smoking

Ai Ai, a 27-year-old chimp, has quit smoking after 16 years with the help of her minders and a strict regime of music therapy and exercise.


Ai Ai - heavy smoker

However, things have not gone smoothly. According to unsubstantiated rumours as Ai Ai is now addicted to crack and heroin.

12 October 2005

Nut Cracker

Squirrels in Brixton have been finding, stealing and getting totally f*cked on crack stashes hidden in dealers' gardens.

One neightbour said "It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging"

I say jail these crack taking, drug-addicted squirrels. What makes them above the law just because they have bushy tails and stupid pointy noses?


High as a kite

P.S. I know where I'm going to find my next fix, just follow the squirrels!

Peek-a-bump

Just days after Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise announce their pregnancy she's pictured with a really obvious bump.



What were they doing before the announcement? Strapping down her bump with barbed wire and wierd scientology curses?

Or is that their kid that Tom's talking to and she's pregnant with number two?

Tomkat are so freakin' strange I wouldn't put anything past them.

11 October 2005

Paris Screws by the Pool


Fnar fnar

10 October 2005

Coming to America... Not

I'm rethinking my planned trip to New Orleans as it appears that police there are dispensing savage gang beatings to people found to be drunk in public!


Friendly neighbourhood patrol in New Orleans

The vitcim, Robert Davis, a 64 year-old near-pensioner who answers to the name "Lucky", said that he'd had "a bad run of it lately".

As if to add insult to injury the savage beating happened on Bourbon Street.

Then again, it's not as bad as England where you get can get shot in the head half-a-dozen times for wearing a ruck-sack and having a dodgy accent.

08 October 2005

Women Against Bushes

Whilst applauding the sentiment...

Could somebody pass this soap-dodging-cow a bar of soap and a razor...

Bushisms

A master-class in eloquence from the revered leader of the civilised world...


"Public speaking is very easy."


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."


"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."


"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."


"The future will be better tomorrow."


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."


"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to Blame."


"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


"Mars is essentially in the same orbit Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."


"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."


"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."