02 October 2005

Gods Blast Terrorists

In what has been seen as a radical departure from convention the Deities heading up the "Big 6" religions have issued a joint statement to the leaders of the world insisting that they stop using their names to promote war and destruction.

Prompted by the recent Bali bombings the Deities, accompanied by a number of their human manifestations and prophets, joined in one voice to say:

"For the avoidance of doubt none of us want any of you to kill the followers of any of the others and we in no way condone murder of any sort for any reason. So, in summary, STOP KILLING EACH OTHER AND JUST GET ALONG. In partciular, stop using our names to justify it. You are behaving worse than animals."

Visibly annoyed, God went on to say, "Ok. Guys, I know I may have dropped the ball with the whole Adam and Eve fiasco but we have come a long way since then. I even sent my son to give you the message which you all appear to have completely Ignored."

Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha and Moses, who were all in tears, said:

"We can't understand why you lot are being such morons. We all get along famously up here. We all agree that there are some differences between our messages but the essential theme is always the same, namely, love thy neighbour and be nice to each other."

Then, in stentorian tones, God and Allah added:

"Oh, and by the way, a brief update for any would-be suicide bombers: you will not have a thousand virgins waiting for you when you die. You are going straight to Hell where you will be subjected to an eternity of torture at the hands of Hitler and Pol Pot who will be heaping hot coals into your mouths and pouring burning limestone on your eyes."

Meanwhile, United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan "strongly condemned" the attacks.

Kofi - may write a letter

Bin Laden was not available for comment as he was hiding in his cave crapping his pants in anticipation of a "strongly worded" letter from the UN.


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