The Deep and Meaningful

Arnie Impression

2007-02-11T20:06:00.000+08:00

Great Balls of Fire

2006-11-03T12:20:00.000+08:00

This is how not to do a flaming shot........

I feel sorry for his friend, who was innocently standing in the background and has now got third degree burns on his balls.

Naughty to call children "naughty"

2006-11-02T20:02:00.000+08:00

An "expert" is claiming that it is wrong to call your child "naughty" as it might damage the child's self-confidence (see report).

I have rarely heard such utter crap.

As a child I was frequently called names such as "whining little sh!t" or "naughty little f**ker" whilst being dealt some quite serious beatings). None of this harmed my feelings of self-esteem in the slightest.

On the contrary, my sense of self-worth borders on hubrice and my arrogance is such that most people I know are willing to cross the street in order to avoid me.

How do these so-called "experts" explain that?

Gratuitous image of child with gun

I say we go back to those "good old fashioned values" where floggings for trivial offences was the norm and men were real men.

The Good things about Dubya

2006-11-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

The best things about Bush are that he is not very clever and he does not think before he speaks...

Scary to think that this dullard has his finger on "the button"

Borat's Song

2006-11-02T15:19:00.000+08:00

The only thing more shocking than the content of Borat's song is the reaction of the crowd...

Pete gets finger stuck in Kate's ring

2006-11-01T16:33:00.000+08:00

Pete Doherty had to dash to hospital with Kate Moss after he got his finger stuck in her ring!

Apparently Kate giggled as nurses used "lubricant" and "clippers" on her ring to remove Pete's finger.

Pete "Big Fingers"

F**k me bandy! There is no way I would be lauging if someone had their finger wedged in my ring and it had to be removed with a sharp implement. She must have been on drugs or something.

This just shows to what depths Kate has sunk (again) and that rehabilitation does not work (again)!

Women Drivers

2006-11-01T12:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not saying that men are better drivers than women but a woman in America recently crashed her car into the examiner's office immeditately after completing her driving test.

And look at this bird so proud of her parking...

And this one...

And as if any more proof were needed...

This must fuel the debate on whether females should be banned from driving altogether... silly bints.

One solution might be this...

Tee hee...

It doesn't matter if you're black or white...

2006-10-26T17:44:00.000+08:00

Well apparently not for this couple who gave birth to twin girls, one black and one white.

Is this a random freak of nature from these two parents, or did the mother go and shag a white dude followed shortly by a black dude?

Or are they trying to start a Benetton ad?

Or did they just dip one of them in milk and the other one in chocolate?

Or has one of them been out in the sun a bit longer?

Or did they steal both of the babies and didn't think about the potential questions asked that they are different colours?

I feel sorry for the white kid... forever knowing that her twin sister will be able to jump higher, run faster and dance better.

Borat Faceoff

2006-10-23T17:15:00.000+08:00

Kazakhstan is fighting back against being characterised by Borat as a nation of misogynists, racists and anti-Semites who get drunk on fermented horse urine. How? They are sending a "diplomat" to the premier of Sasha Baron Cohen's new movie: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (see preview) to challenge Borat to a duel.

If that doesn't improve Kazakstan's global standing then I don't know what will.

Borat: ready to rumble?

Second Nuclear Test for Kimmie?

2006-10-23T16:41:00.000+08:00

If power-crazed madman dictator Kim Jong Il does decide to test another atomic bomb then may I make a suggestion: rather than wastfully setting it off deep underground in a remote location he should consider using it for a worthwhile cause... like vaporising former rock star and convicted kiddy-fiddler Gary Glitter.

Evolution? Schmevolution!

2006-10-22T17:32:00.000+08:00

If Darwin was right about evolution then why don't monkeys turn into humans any more?

And why don't fish grow legs?

Crazy

2006-10-22T17:02:00.000+08:00

Why is it that every time there is another terrorist attrocity that people start asking why the world has gone crazy? What these people don'e realise is that we're never going to survive unless we are a little crazy... at least according to Seal...

Seal - we need to be crazy

Arise Sir David

2006-10-22T16:41:00.000+08:00

Rumours abound that David Beckham, famed for his impressive long inswinging balls, is set to be knighted in the Queen's new years honours list.

The thing is that this will actually make Posh Spice a "lady". If that is not an impressively dramatic irony then I don't know what the f*ck is.

Pure class - Posh as you like

Drugs are for Mugs!?

2006-10-22T16:15:00.000+08:00

Getting busted for taking cocaine and going out with a complete no-hoper drug addict seems to have done Kate Moss' career nothing but good as she continues to earn millions.

I attempted to deploy a similar career advancement strategy by going on a drunken rampage in the office last week, fuelled on a cocktail of gin, wine, cigarettes and coffee.

Imagine my surprise when my efforts were greeted by my employers with little more than disdain and a written warning for destroying company property.

This is a perfect example of double standards. What is the world coming to?

Moss - eye for a deal

McCartney Hypocrisy

2006-10-22T15:55:00.000+08:00

Paul McCartney won't eat sausages but he is quite happy to have ivory on his piano keyboard. Does he really expect us to believe that if they started making pianos out of sausages that he'd suddenly start eating elephants again?

Frankly I am glad he is being fleeced by a monogambist profiteer.

Bearded McCartney - not smiling now

Beware...

2006-10-19T12:17:00.000+08:00

As if pitbulls weren't scary enough...

Life Begins at 40?

2006-10-17T18:42:00.000+08:00

Frisky brainbox Gong Duruo, a double PhD holder, has been cruising the net in search of a Doris at the tender age of 105.

King Gong

And you know what... he's hooked up with a chick less than half his age!

I take my hat off to him... randy bugger.

Don't Mess with Bush

2006-10-17T18:22:00.000+08:00

In what must be considered a stern warning to the Axis of Evil, and anybody else who does not agree with what US President George Bush says, a 14-year-old girl has been reportedly dragged out of her classroom and interrogated by Secret Service operatives for calling Dubya an "idiot" on her web page.

Tough-man Bush

Meanwhile, puppet-look-alike, tyrannical despot and nuclear powered madman Kim Yong Il was reported to be "sh!tting like a big black Alsatian" on hearing the news of this new show of US strength.

Stop having a massive go at the crazy Japanese grandmother

2006-10-17T14:52:00.000+08:00

Top news today - A woman in Tokyo has given birth to her own grandchild.

I don't see why this is such a massive deal. Considering in middle America your own grandmother is not only your mother, but also your sister, cousin and probably brother.

Man Arrested for Farting

2006-10-17T09:58:00.000+08:00

A Polish man (Hoffman) is on the run from the police because he farted when asked what he thought of the President!

Hoffman airing his views in police custody yesterday

Thanks goodnes they don't apply the same rules in England, as if you ask any pensioner what they think of Tony Blair they will spontaneously "lay-a-cable" on the spot, and no doubt find themselves doing a ten-stretch in chokey for their trouble!

Public Sex Ban for Disney Characters

2006-10-16T12:19:00.000+08:00

Disney characters have been slammed for having sex in public Reuters reports.

Minnie, pumping up her Mickey?

Randy puppets faced a similar fate after screening the infamous and raunchy "twanging" scenes in the last ever episode of the classic children's TV show Rainbow.

Britney Spears not as greedy as we thought

2006-10-16T11:53:00.000+08:00

Some waiter is selling a half eaten egg sandwich on eBay which Britney Spears left at a restaurant.

I cannot believe that she left the sandwich at the restaurant. By the look of her she not only ate her sandwich, but ate the plate, table, napkin and most likely the damn waiter.

So don't go around telling me that half eaten sandwich belongs to Spears, you know and I know she'd eat you if she had the chance.

Britney - forever hungry

Paris Hilton dies

2006-10-13T15:40:00.000+08:00

Ring of Fire

2006-10-13T11:12:00.000+08:00

A WOMAN has suffered severe rectal burns after being struck in the mouth by lightning which passed right through her body and out of her anus.

Doctors report that now she has her "ass in a sling" but is making a good recovery.

Bollywood v Hollywood

2006-09-28T10:49:00.000+08:00

There is a new Bollywood star who many believe is better than Arnold.

Check out the link and see what you think. Better than Arnold!?

Man Nails Hedgehog

2006-09-20T18:52:00.000+08:00

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he raped a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.

I am glad to learn that the human came off much worse from the encounter than the hedgehog.

What a prick.

Lord Pembroke's Letter

2006-08-08T16:24:00.000+08:00

The following was written during the war from the British Ambassador in Moscow to Lord Pembroke in 1943. It has recently been released under the Freedom of Information Act. It is without question an excellently composed work.

Double Meaning URLs

2005-12-21T16:54:00.000+08:00

Note: think twice about how you word your URL when setting up a website

Here are some people who didn't

Who Represents
http://www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Pen Island
http://www.penisland.net

Therapist Finder
http://www.therapistfinder.com

Gas Heating
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

Model Citizen

2005-12-15T14:02:00.000+08:00

A teenager from Dakota has been charged with indecent exposure after being caught having sex with a mannequin in a department store.

If sex with dummies is illegal in the US then tell me how Bush got to be a father.

Rooney Tune

2005-12-10T18:50:00.000+08:00

I wonder what tune Ronaldo is playing on Rooney's 'skin flute'.

Balls Out

2005-12-10T17:52:00.000+08:00

Academics at a Scottish University have spent over US$70,000 proving that hangovers make you feel tired and reduce your ability to concentrate.

What utter nonsense. Drink is good. It increases your confidence and has been used by fat chicks as a means of getting laid for years.

Drunk Scottish researcher with his pods out

Cheesed off

2005-12-07T16:31:00.000+08:00

An 18 year old woman mistook a lump of cheese... for cocaine!

Ok then, excuse me while I go and inject my veins with soy-sauce and pop some croutons.

Not only that, this sad excuse for a person hired a hit man to kill 4 men, the hit man turned out to be a cop!

She's now in jail, which she has probably mistaken for her living room.

Yoga

2005-11-21T14:13:00.000+08:00

The ancient artform of yoga is practised all around the world.

From India....

To Ireland...

Kleenex Cleans Up

2005-11-20T16:28:00.000+08:00

With the proliferation of free porn on the internet, and clockwork laptops, it does not take someone with a brain a big as Einstein to work out that now would be a good time to invest in tissue manufacturing companies.

Just remember, you read it here first.

Pods out for a Job

2005-11-20T16:23:00.000+08:00

Some people are literally willing to get their balls out to advance their career. Take Misha Sulpovar for example.

This dude not only got his plums out at a job fair but he also coloured his pods in with a highlighter pen.

What's more, this joker called it 'art'.

Milkman has the 'Bone'

2005-11-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

Next time you complain that shagging your Doris is like shagging a corpse, spare a thought for 69-year-old ex-milkman and devoted necrophiliac Howard Lewis.

He slept with his 79-year-old wife, Elizabeth, for five months after her death.

Elizabeth - unavailable for comment

Posh Makes a Tit Out of Herself

2005-11-19T18:03:00.000+08:00

Legal papers disclosed as part of a libel case brought by the Beckhams have revealed that Victoria Beckham has had a boob job.

Begs the question, "why didn't she get her face fixed when she was there?"

Turds Fit for a King

2005-11-19T10:50:00.000+08:00

I heard that Queen Elizabeth receives two turds in the post every day.

What I want to know is who is sending the other one...

The Best Things in Life

2005-11-19T10:23:00.000+08:00

I went to my local bank and very politely asked for $1m. The teller laughed in my face when I said that I didn’t have an account with that bank.

Now I am facing a ten-stretch for armed robbery.

I think that Luther Vandross must have been having me on when he sang, "The Best Things in Life are Free".

I wonder if Luther has conned others in a similar way?

You speak English?

2005-11-16T14:53:00.000+08:00

Here are some classic true signs that have appeared across Asia.

Yes, rubbish can be cruel, rude and possess characteristics of the devil.

Little girls writing thank you letters which are a little too thankful!

When buying a.....

.... go to....

Kate's dreaming of a white Christmas

2005-11-09T16:46:00.000+08:00

An investigation in London has found that the River Thames is awash with cocaine, with an estimated 80,000 lines of the drugs being passed into the river everyday.

Not surprisingly Kate Moss has taken a break from her rehab to go for a little swim.

Moss - soaking it all up

Yum yum

2005-11-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

There's nothing better on a hot day that a large glass of...

Not-so ‘New Edition’ of Bobby Brown

2005-10-30T11:58:00.000+08:00

Take a young, talented, good-looking kid. Give him fame & fortune.

Add a beautiful wife... with a massive coke habit. Leave for a few years.

What do you get?

Bobby Brown - has seen better days

I'll tell you what, I'll follow Bobby's advice and won't be cruel. He's obviously had a hard enough time of it already.

Busted by blow-off

2005-10-28T15:19:00.000+08:00

I recently bought a new wetsuit and tried it on. Imagine my embarrassment when I thought I could get away with a quick fart...

Time Machine for Sale

2005-10-28T13:58:00.000+08:00

They say that you can sell anything on ebay...

Well some entrepreneurial Kiwi has received bids as high as $300,000,000,001,999 for a time machine that he invented!

The only drawback is that he does not have the time to finish it...

Amazing Optical Illusion

2005-10-27T15:39:00.000+08:00

This is without question the best optical illusion I've ever seen... If you stare at the image for about 10 seconds, you should see a giraffe...

Rock Bottom Budget Airlines

2005-10-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

When recently flying on Air Asia, one of the region's new budget airlines I was pleasantly surprised how good the service was.

Until I went for a dump and came across....

Swamp thing

Why can't they at least have the decency to strap their legs together if they insist on passing out spread eagle?

Workshy Crime Buster Back to Work

2005-10-23T09:20:00.001+08:00

A French police inspector has gone back to work after spending 12 years on paternity leave.

Ironically, despite being absent for two-thirds of his career Mr Krasker is now eligible for a promotion to chief inspector.

Eric Krasker with tramp look-alike Beetles legend

No doubt Krasker will be going on strike soon in line with French tradition.

It's a Dog's Life

2005-10-23T09:04:00.000+08:00

Mariah Carey gave her dog its own chauffeur-driven mercedes because an airline refused to allow him to join her on a first class flight.

Dog-lover Mariah

The airline's refusal was based on the fact that it only allows "famous" dogs on its planes.

Mariah's retort was: "Please! He has three websites dedicated to him."

There are a number of comments that I could make about this story but I am going to say only one.

"What a bunch of utter c**ts!"

Best of British

2005-10-23T08:42:00.000+08:00

David Beckham flew a mechanic on a 1,900-mile round-trip from England to Spain to fit a new iPod in his BMW this week.

However, despite ridiculously extravagant and stupid behaviour such as this, and the fact that the bloke may well earn over £770,000 a week, I cannot help feeling sorry for David.

Posh: "Peperami sausage tied up in [...] raffia" (The Times)

Being married to Posh cannot be easy.

Nazi Raccoons

2005-10-22T19:19:00.000+08:00

Nazi racoons released into the countryside in 1934 on 'ze orders' of Luftwaffe head-honcho, Goering, are creating havoc in Germany by ruining much of this year's wine harvest.

Goering - fascist wine-spoiling Nazi

Two World Wars, one World Cup, now this.

I feel sorry for the poor old Bosch.

Not so Immacculate a Conception

2005-10-21T20:09:00.000+08:00

Katie Holmes wanted to remain a virgin until she got married.

Now she is pregnant.

Tom wanted to knock-her-up to prove she loved him....

Katie's next test will be to give birth in absolute silence. Scientologists believe that crying out during labour traumatises the infant.

Crazy bastards

Bush on Hotline to God

2005-10-21T19:44:00.000+08:00

President George Bush has claimed he was told by God to invade Iraq and attack Afghanistan as part of a divine mission.

What utter bullsh!t.

If I had voices in my head telling me to kill tens of thousands of people I would go straight to the nearest lunatic asylum to get my head examined.

Next thing bush will be claiming to be the Messiah

Bush: telephone to Glory?

Giant Squids and Rough Sex

2005-10-21T17:17:00.000+08:00

Having eight legs, two feeding tentacles and an eight-foot penis may sound like a laugh but, in reality, it can be a right pain in the leg.

Ask this poor bastard of a squid who was found washed up on a beach having killed himself with a lethal high-pressure sperm injection into his own leg probably suffered during rough sex with the larger female...

Talk about dying for a shag

So next time things in the bedroom don't work out perfectly for you just spare a thought for the poor old giant quid.

Pete a.k.a. Rapunzel

2005-10-21T13:15:00.000+08:00

Pete, Pete, let down your hair

Uh, ok then, pass out at the window you drug crazed freak.

What the f*ck is Kate Moss doing with this loser?... apart from coke, that is.

Man creates giant kebab

2005-10-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

When I read this headline I thought someone had cloned Paris Hilton's privates.

Not Paris!?

Oh how I laughed when I realised it was a story about kebab weighing 1,850kgs on a 1.73-metre steel skewer.

Am I a t**t or what?

"We're just friends" - my arse

2005-10-20T18:03:00.000+08:00

The latest pics of Jen and Vince,

There's about as much going on there as there is with Brad and Angelina... i.e. he's adopting her child!

Why can't they all have a mud-wrestle? Or a shoot-off? Or all sit in a room together with no food and see who eats each other first? Now that would be entertainment!

Hello Bones!

2005-10-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

Guess who lost their Wonderbra contract and can't afford food anymore?

Boobs have sagged into a resemblence of oranges in leather socks

Eva Herzigova - still giving the boys a 'bone'r

Pillow Support

2005-10-20T14:49:00.000+08:00

Dolly Parton's knockers are so big that she occasionally has to rest them on bongo stands!

How embarrassing if part of your attire was this

However in her defense, Dolly is quoted as saying:

"I do have big tits. Always had 'em -- pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em."

She has got a point, wish I needed damn bongo stands.

Dolly - sleeps on her back?

Le Soap... No Merci

2005-10-20T14:08:00.000+08:00

The Anglo-Saxon caricature of the average French person being a workshy soap-dodger received an unexpected boost in a recent survey in 'Le Point'.

That survey reveals that one in ten French people never uses soap, one in 25 never takes a bath or a shower, and one in 33 never brushes his teeth.

Not surprisingly nine out of ten French women use perfume every day.

To cop it all, on average 2,000 French people are on strike every day.

Francois

Animal Farm

2005-10-20T12:49:00.000+08:00

This is the most ridiculous sheep I've ever seen. Look how it's cringing with embarrassment.

A woman found a bullet in her pork chop. The wolf really did want that pig to come out of his house!

Some crazy guy in Berlin sent a poisonous green mamba through the post. However he did thoughtfully attach a note saying: "Warning Poisonous snake!"

God Sued

2005-10-19T05:32:00.000+08:00

A Romanian prisoner is suing God for failing to save him from the Devil.

God is accused of "cheating, abuse and traffic of influence".

Unfortunately, the inmate was unavailable for comment as his cell was infested with a mysterious plague of locusts, his mouth was full of boils and a 'pox' was consuming his hindermost parts.

Meanwhile God's representatives remained confident that the Almighty would emerge victorious.

Jesus - in bouyant mood

Copperfield in Long Distance Muff Buff

2005-10-19T05:13:00.000+08:00

Ugly sorcerer David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.

If a bloke can make the Statue of Liberty and an airplane disappear in front of a live crowd then I reckon he is very capable of aiming the 'vinegar strokes' with the precision of a sniper.

That being said his biggest trick to date is getting Claudia Schiffer to shag him.

Copperfield - ugly wizard

10ft Snake Spotted in Manchester Toilet

2005-10-19T04:59:00.000+08:00

A 10ft snake has been spotted in the toilet of a posh gaffe in Manchester.

Monty

When I first read this headline I thought that some generously proportioned fellow with an ankle-whacker had been caught belting one out in the dunnies of the 'Hacienda'.

Jack Twat

2005-10-18T17:43:00.000+08:00

Jack Osbourne has lost loads of weight, but looks damn weird.

Twat Jack

Some people were born fat, and they should stay that way

Fat Jack - aaah, that's better (but his hair does look a bit like a particularly untidy minge!)

Saturday Night Fight Club

2005-10-18T11:04:00.000+08:00

Elton John famously sang "Saturday night's alright for fighting, Get a little action in".

Well, Elton, tell that to my cousin who has spent the past year banged up in chokey on two charges of aggravated assault against a couple of coppers who tried to stop him smashing up a McDonalds.

Elton - cheesy grin

I'll tell you what. Elton will be smiling on the other side of his face if my cousin gets a hold of him.

Debts and Stuff

2005-10-18T10:03:00.000+08:00

I ran up crippling credit card debts buying expensive meals, booze and generally living it up to impress my Doris.

That's precisely why why some of the poorer African countries are in such dire straights.

However, you didn't see BandAid or any of Geldof's cronies raising a finger to help me...

Lend us a Bob, Geldof

Nor did you see me sitting around on my backside waiting for government handouts. No. Hard work and determination is what saw me through.

And Bob, if you were thinking about lending a hand now, don't bother. It's too late. I got a loan from my nan and now I'm pretty flush.

Bad Day in the Office

2005-10-18T09:49:00.000+08:00

I may be a little short-tempered.

I may have a tendency to fly-off-the-handle at the drop-of-a-hat.

But at least I have never murdered a colleague by attacking them with a machette and feeding them to the lions... which is exactly what Mark Scott-Crossley did.

Very Crossley

So, the next time I reduce a co-worker to tears I will not be apologising. I will be reminding them just how lucky they are for not being hacked apart and chewed into bits by an oversized cat.

Oh Boy

2005-10-16T20:12:00.000+08:00

Gay pop icon-cum-DJ 'Boy George' was arrested at his home recently for possession of cocaine.

The worst thing is that the police who arrested him were called to the scene by the singer himself... who thought he was being burgled... by a male prostitute that the gender bending star had invited to his home.

Turd burglary?

I’ll tell you what. I’m going to go easy on him. He must be feeling enough of an @rsehole as it is.

Not so Great Ape

2005-10-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

Scientists have hailed the discovery of a gorilla using a stick to cross a pond as a "a truly astounding discovery".

What a load of old tosh. Humans have been doing the same for years without anyone making a fuss about it.

Tell me when a gorilla has invented a machine that can travel faster than the speed of light, or written a Shakespearean masterpiece, then I'll be impressed.

How do politicians deal with drugs?

2005-10-16T17:04:00.000+08:00

Apparently in England they smoke them...

I personally think that all those MPs who so much as think about taking drugs should be publicly flogged...

Hookers for the Handicapped

2005-10-15T14:36:00.000+08:00

The Danish government is under attack for paying for its disabled citizens to have sex with prostitutes once a month...

Brass in a glass

Once a month???

What a bunch of stingy gits. They should give them a go at least a couple of times a week.

Otherwise their "pods" might explode...

Diar Crime

2005-10-15T13:17:00.000+08:00

Nicole Diar, who is on trial for the murder of her 4-year-old son, is a walking anti-alcohol campaign.

"Dire" crime

What horrifies me, in addition to her wicked infanticide, is that this woman could get knocked-up in the first place.

If she isn't a "fifteen pinter" then I don't know what is.

The thought of her sh@gging makes me retch.

Monkey Quits Smoking

2005-10-15T12:47:00.000+08:00

Ai Ai, a 27-year-old chimp, has quit smoking after 16 years with the help of her minders and a strict regime of music therapy and exercise.

Ai Ai - heavy smoker

However, things have not gone smoothly. According to unsubstantiated rumours as Ai Ai is now addicted to crack and heroin.

Nut Cracker

2005-10-12T17:42:00.000+08:00

Squirrels in Brixton have been finding, stealing and getting totally f*cked on crack stashes hidden in dealers' gardens.

One neightbour said "It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging"

I say jail these crack taking, drug-addicted squirrels. What makes them above the law just because they have bushy tails and stupid pointy noses?

High as a kite

P.S. I know where I'm going to find my next fix, just follow the squirrels!

Peek-a-bump

2005-10-12T17:19:00.000+08:00

Just days after Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise announce their pregnancy she's pictured with a really obvious bump.

What were they doing before the announcement? Strapping down her bump with barbed wire and wierd scientology curses?

Or is that their kid that Tom's talking to and she's pregnant with number two?

Tomkat are so freakin' strange I wouldn't put anything past them.

Paris Screws by the Pool

2005-10-11T07:19:00.000+08:00

Fnar fnar

Coming to America... Not

2005-10-10T19:44:00.000+08:00

I'm rethinking my planned trip to New Orleans as it appears that police there are dispensing savage gang beatings to people found to be drunk in public!

Friendly neighbourhood patrol in New Orleans

The vitcim, Robert Davis, a 64 year-old near-pensioner who answers to the name "Lucky", said that he'd had "a bad run of it lately".

As if to add insult to injury the savage beating happened on Bourbon Street.

Then again, it's not as bad as England where you get can get shot in the head half-a-dozen times for wearing a ruck-sack and having a dodgy accent.

Women Against Bushes

2005-10-08T12:05:00.000+08:00

Whilst applauding the sentiment...

Could somebody pass this soap-dodging-cow a bar of soap and a razor...

Bushisms

2005-10-08T11:26:00.000+08:00

A master-class in eloquence from the revered leader of the civilised world...

"Public speaking is very easy."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to Blame."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

Retired Man Passes The Time

2005-10-07T01:59:00.000+08:00

The other day I went into town.

I was there for 5 minutes when I saw a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.

I said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?".

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

The more I abused him the more he wrote. I didn't care, I'd come by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. Am I a compete c**t or what?

Dying for a Sh@g

2005-10-06T10:52:00.000+08:00

Mexican prostitutes have been smearing poison on their nipples to drug and kill their unsuspecting victims before stealing their cash.

Whoresplay

It just goes to show, you cannot trust "brass".

Smacky Birthday to you

2005-10-04T16:55:00.000+08:00

Kate Moss missed her daughter's third birthday as she was in rehab for her drug addiction.

The kid better get used to it, no doubt during her 18th birthday Kate will be the mum in the corner drooling into her crack pipe.

And for Lila Grace's 21st birthday, Kate will be injecting heroin into her eyeballs and losing her septum on the birthday cake when blowing out the candles with her nose.

Sort it out Moss

CNN - Breaking News

2005-10-04T15:21:00.000+08:00

Mug Thy Neighbour?

2005-10-02T11:18:00.000+08:00

A recent article in the Guardian lamented the refusal of people to intervene when public violence occurred.

Whilst applauding the sentiment if I saw someone getting mugged by a 6 foot hoodlum wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun I for one would run in the other direction.

Otherwise the criminal would no doubt shoot me in the guts and give me AIDS.

Guantanamo Bay is a "Holiday Resort"

2005-10-02T10:49:00.000+08:00

Vice-President Dick Cheney recently defended the conditions in Guantanamo Bay claiming that the inmates are well fed and are "living in the tropics".

Senior Republican Senator Jeff Sessions said that the prison is so well situated that it "would make a magnificent resort".

I for one could not agree more.

Whilst on holiday I love being beaten and having my testicles electrocuted whilst being spat at and p!ssed upon.

Rumsfeld and Cheney possibly having a giggle about death and destruction?

The Not So Talented Mr Ripley

2005-10-02T10:05:00.000+08:00

A former barman who posed as a spy to trick his victims out of almost £1m has been jailed for life.

Hendy-Freegard convinced numerous people that he was an undercover MI5 agent working against the IRA and that their lives were in danger.

The terrified victims were placed in “safe houses” around the country and forced to take up menial jobs whilst they and their families gave Hendy-Freegard around £1m which he spend on cars and clothes.

Car salesman - Freegard

I for one take my hat off to him. At least he got off his backside and did something rather than waiting around for government handouts.

That being said he is an utter b@stard and I hope he gets horrendously raped in prison.

Nicole Richie - Twiggy?

2005-10-02T09:54:00.000+08:00

In Nicole Richie's latest photoshoot, she is doing a Twiggy impression, not very well.

The Original................. The cheap imitation

A few years ago this look-a-like attempt would have been impossible, she was so much more 'Trunky' than 'Twiggy.

From Trunk............to Twig

Gods Blast Terrorists

2005-10-02T09:24:00.000+08:00

In what has been seen as a radical departure from convention the Deities heading up the "Big 6" religions have issued a joint statement to the leaders of the world insisting that they stop using their names to promote war and destruction.

Prompted by the recent Bali bombings the Deities, accompanied by a number of their human manifestations and prophets, joined in one voice to say:

"For the avoidance of doubt none of us want any of you to kill the followers of any of the others and we in no way condone murder of any sort for any reason. So, in summary, STOP KILLING EACH OTHER AND JUST GET ALONG. In partciular, stop using our names to justify it. You are behaving worse than animals."

Visibly annoyed, God went on to say, "Ok. Guys, I know I may have dropped the ball with the whole Adam and Eve fiasco but we have come a long way since then. I even sent my son to give you the message which you all appear to have completely Ignored."

Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha and Moses, who were all in tears, said:

"We can't understand why you lot are being such morons. We all get along famously up here. We all agree that there are some differences between our messages but the essential theme is always the same, namely, love thy neighbour and be nice to each other."

Then, in stentorian tones, God and Allah added:

"Oh, and by the way, a brief update for any would-be suicide bombers: you will not have a thousand virgins waiting for you when you die. You are going straight to Hell where you will be subjected to an eternity of torture at the hands of Hitler and Pol Pot who will be heaping hot coals into your mouths and pouring burning limestone on your eyes."

Meanwhile, United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan "strongly condemned" the attacks.

Kofi - may write a letter

Bin Laden was not available for comment as he was hiding in his cave crapping his pants in anticipation of a "strongly worded" letter from the UN.

More Stupid Celebrity Quotes

2005-09-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

Gotta love 'em!

"So my fame would have some dignity and purpose." - Sharon Stone, when asked why she was an AIDS activist

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to." - Linda Evangelista

Erection Your Honour

2005-09-26T20:54:00.000+08:00

A judge has been caught using a penis pump under his robe, during a trial!

Some jurors thought he was distracted playing a video game until they went behind his desk during lunchtime and found the pump and a whole pile of spunk!

Thompson - not just his hammer he was beating

Terrorists Ready to Strike?

2005-09-25T22:01:00.000+08:00

I was enraged to read recently that Al-Qaida has 18,000 terrorists ready to strike.

It's bad enough that these people are sewing death and destruction about the place.

The fact that they now appear ready to commence industrial action to get better working conditions made me so angry I threw up my lunch and turned to drink.

Industrial action? - Osama can rot in his cave for all I care...

Got the Horn?

2005-09-25T21:48:00.000+08:00

The saying goes, "see a penny pick it up and all the day you'll have good luck".

Well, Manalo Beltran begs to differ. He's the matador who bent over to pick up a penny whilst at work and he was badly gored in the anus.

Manalo - "Ouch!"

Beltran, who suffered horrendous internal injuries vowed never to fight another bull so long as he lives.

That's not good luck in my book.

Cherie Blair in "Pearl Necklace" Controversy

2005-09-25T21:11:00.000+08:00

The UK press is up in arms amid allegations that Cherie Blair avoided paying tax on pearls and other jewellery and then lied to the public about the affair.

Quite frankly I am appalled.

If the wife of the most powerful man in England, and a senior barrister to boot, is not allowed to get away without paying tax then who is?

Cherie - funny face

Poor old Cherie. With a face like hers she deserves a break.

Then again, she must have something. She's married to the Prime Minister of Great Britain and she can be seen in the photo below with Dubya possibly about to slip her the tongue.

No regrets? - Bush

The Bare Truth

2005-09-24T12:10:00.000+08:00

I was part of the crowd that took part in the naked art installation in Lyon, France recently.

To be part of this conceptual art construct was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...

But like most of the blokes, I was there for the tits and bush. Sorry.

Stonehenge Still Not Finished

2005-09-23T06:52:00.000+08:00

Whilst on holiday recently I happened to be passing by Stonehenge and was disappointed to see that that those soap dodging druids still haven't finished it even though they started about 5,000 years ago.

When will they get off their lazy backsides and do something for a change rather than living off the tax-payers' money, watching Oprah and smoking crack?

I personally blame Blair and the rest of his cronies who were clearly too busy building that stupid dome to provide any meaningful assistance...

A Scientific Study on Women

2005-09-22T20:20:00.000+08:00

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his @rse.

An Angry woman

Cor blimey. Don't fancy yours much!

Source - Gadams

Help!

2005-09-21T15:03:00.000+08:00

Paul McCartney fell down a hole whilst performing on stage recently.

Reportedly at the time he was singing "Hello, Goodbye".

Someone is going to get sooo fired for that. I'm sure Paul wasn't hoping to join John and George just yet. Or even match Heather in the mono-leg club. (Sorry, I know that's cruel, I couldn't help it!)

"When I'm 64" - not at the rate you're going Paul

Poor Little Billy

2005-09-20T09:56:00.000+08:00

Little Billy, an Aussie, was at school this morning in the Outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheaphotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.''No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

The "Ashes" - Finally home

(Thanks to Ken P for the link)

WTF?

2005-09-19T10:14:00.000+08:00

This dress is so wrong in so many ways, I don't even know what else to say apart from thank god there is no breeze.

Thanks Josh for the link